You said...(When you get to the state my M is in, any gesture can feel like putting yourself out there and when you perceive getting so little in return, it becomes easier just not to do the gesture. It's a very sad state and I know there are things I can do to change the R for the better. I just need to be careful because when I do strategically planned things and try to 'monitor results'...I get really frustrated with the depth of the results. )
So stop monitoring the results woman. Treat your H as you want to be treated. Just because he's a jerk to you...doesn't mean, you get to be a jerk back to him. If you both play the game of giving as good as you get (in this case treating each other poorly)...where's that going to get you?
I know what you are saying about the state of your M, and how things have gone downhill...but hon, you are both responsible for that. If you have been (or are doing) things such as going to bed with the intention of making him feel ignored (which is what I believe meant when you said "Well, he'd feel exactly as I'd intended then.")
I understand your frustration, believe me I do. I guess I just simply see that the mere consideration you showed him last night when you did tell him goodnight, made an impact. You simply treated him with a bit of consideration. No one wants to feel ignored, no matter how big of a butthead they've been. Feeling ignored by my H was perhaps one of the most painful things I endured before coming here for help. It cut so very deeply, it was if my very existence simply didn't matter to him at all when he could dismiss me so easily.
I'm going out on a limb here Heather...but since your H used to tuck you in, that seems like it used to be a special thing you two would do. That would make your snubbing him (IMPO) that much more painful. Perhaps if nothing else....you could simply start with asking sometime if he'd come tuck you in. If he says no, then simply say goodnight and go on....you need to still treat him with consideration. I know he's been no party to live with, not trying to excuse his behavior at all....but one of you has to give and start treating the other with some decency.
