Am I Creating a SSM Part V

[heatherg]

Just because you can’t see his efforts does not mean he isn’t trying.

I know. But in the long run, if I can't see it, it doesn't do much good, ya know?

Do you see how this need to see his progress in order for you to progress is just your need for validation from him, that you are indirectly “checking in” with him to confirm where you are.

Yes, I do this. You're probably right that is why I find it so much easier when he is gone~because he's not here to check in with, I have to make it on my own.

this is counterproductive to you.

You're right.

How can such a strong personality be bothered by such self conscious thoughts? Does a truly strong person stop to doubt whether s/he is attractive to others? Can you see that your “strong” personality is just the manifestation of the walls you have built up to protect the scared child within you? Nothing wrong with protecting yourself but don’t do it by erecting these false walls. Doing so and then believing in those walls can take you down a very self destructive road.

I see your point, but I think you read too much into what I said. I only meant that I have opinions now that I stand by whereas when H and I met, I truly didn't know myself, didn't know what I liked and what I didn't, had emotions I couldn't explain. So, when I said I have a strong personality, I meant in relation to who I used to be. My H has such strong opinions, sometimes there is hardly room for two opinions. But slowly, I have countered that and defended my own opinions. The struggle is that if we disagree, my opinion doesn't usually get very far, just causes a fight and results in resentment on my part.

I allow her to be imposing, though I now allow her to be much less imposing that she once was. This is not due to our size, or anything she does (she is just as scattered as she has always been), but due to my attitude and a different way of thinking.

So, for instance, when my H works out at 11:00pm and runs on the treadmill and blares his music, I should just change the way I think about it? I've tried to explain that it's disruptive to the household, at which point he tells me the kids don't have any problems sleeping, so I'm apparently the only one who has a problem with it....and he continues to do it. He won't work out earlier because it takes time away from the kids, the kids must be in bed before he will work out. So again Cobra, I hear what you are saying in theory....but I'm still left thinking, 'yeah, ok, but how do I not *allow* this to be imposing on my life'?

This is where you need to establish strong boundaries. It does not require physical strength but the correct mental framework. I just saw Corri’s post about power. Go read it.

Ok, maybe this will be an attempt to answer my above question. I will try to find the post you are referring to. Is it on her thread Girl Help?

When he is there, you seek validation, he withholds, and you get angry. So stop seeking validation. Seems pretty simple, right?

I have tried this to a certain extent but I usually wimp out because of my guilt. For instance, my best friend from college is having a bachelorette party tonight and she lives in Richmond, an hour and a half away from me. I'm almost grateful that H will not be back in time for me to go tonight because if the party were next weekend instead for instance, I would feel entirely within my rights to go. This girl is the best friend I've had since I moved to VA 11 years ago and this is her first marriage. But because of the A, H would probably throw an absolute fit if I wanted to go, especially becaue it would be overnight. So, I would either back off or not be able to handle his fit appropriately and end up feeling guilty for going. It's a no fcking win situation. Can you see where I'd just rather not deal it??? Just stay home and don't even bring it up. Because if he doesn't know about it, then I'm not giving up my power to him but yet I don't cause a fight either. This is the way I have trained myself to behave in light of his reactions and the fact that I am trying to make my M work after a huge betrayal. The betrayal makes all the certainties that I have gained about myself over the years become fuzzy again. So, would a differentiated cheater just not seek validation from H and go to the party because she has the right to go? I'm honestly asking your opinion in case you can't tell if I'm being rehtorical here.

I am also thinking more and more that he is the pursuer and you are the avoider in your marriage (or at least these are your current roles). He is just so angry and dysfunctional that he has resorted to power plays to keep you engaged with him. He has given up chasing you since you seem to run away, so he has tried other tactics and has found that your running is really a bluff and what you really want is him. Now he has you and you’ve run out of options.

I think we've both called each other's bluff on the topic of staying in the M. Our kids mean the world to us and we both know that, so D has become sort of an empty threat regardless of which of us uses it.
I have been pretty good about limiting the amount of time I speak to him and the things I tell him. I used to tell him every little thing and call him several times a day when he was away. I don't do that anymore. So, I am trying to detach and make it real.

Show your commitment to him and the marriage for YOUR sake, not his.

That makes my mind draw a blank. I can see that some of you love your partners deeply and can probably understand what this simpe statement entails. I'm not saying I don't have love in my heart for my H, but this statement makes me stop dead in my tracks, like I don't know what to do with it.

You have come to learn that you should not depend on him to give you support (though you do seem to act otherwise at times) but I wonder if you haven’t transferred that need to the idea of your marriage, rather than him per se?

I can agree that this could be the case. I don't want to give myself to H, so I guess I feel if I can dedicate myself to the M, to the higher purpose, then I can retain my integrity.

When the marriage deteriorates so much that the pain of staying stuck is more than we can bear, the first option does not look so bad, and we reluctantly decide to swallow our medicine.

You're right. And this is how you know when you're ready for D too I think. When the M deteriorates to the point where all the unknowns are still more comforting than the thought of staying in the M.
I think I've swallowed a few doses, but the M has gotten just comfortable enough that I can't bear the unkowns of leaving and how it would affect my R with my kids. Now we're stuck again because each of us knows the other will likely not leave. We have quite literally been to he!! in our M and if neither of us called it quits, then it's probably not gonna happen. We haven't quite made it back from he!! yet. I guess we took a detour

I think I need to focus on my R with my kids actually. Because that seems to be where H is able to control me and it has to be because of my own insecurities. I think if I can get past the feelings of being 'left out' and feel confident that my children love me and respect my authority as much as they resepct H's, D will not scare me so much. Maybe when I'm truly no longer afraid, we'll actaully be able to heal.