I'm trying and I can sometimes see where H is trying too. But I can't see his efforts as often as I need to in order to assure me that the M will ultimately survive. And I can't take full responsibility for that. That's all I'm saying.
Just because you can’t see his efforts does not mean he isn’t trying. Only he knows what is going on in his head, but taking the position that he isn’t trying will sabotage any efforts he might be making, especially in the state you two are in. Do you see how this need to see his progress in order for you to progress is just your need for validation from him, that you are indirectly “checking in” with him to confirm where you are. Seeing his progress gives you comfort, right? That is fine and good once you are fully confident and differentiated, but for now, this is counterproductive to you. His progress, or lack thereof, should not even be a consideration for you right now.
I wasn't always a strong personality, so I often wonder if H would choose me again. It is a fruitless thought I know, and one that has unnecessarily bothered me from time to time because it fits so nicely in the puzzle along with the other things that have bothered me..
There you are! Do you see what you said? How can such a strong personality be bothered by such self conscious thoughts? Does a truly strong person stop to doubt whether s/he is attractive to others? Can you see that your “strong” personality is just the manifestation of the walls you have built up to protect the scared child within you? Nothing wrong with protecting yourself but don’t do it by erecting these false walls. Doing so and then believing in those walls can take you down a very self destructive road.
I feel smothered when H is home, his presence is just so big and he reigns over everything....his night owl habits and the way he insists on doing things his way even when I disagree (S5's bedtime and the associated routine, letting the kids sleep with him, leaving lights on in the house for them..on and on.
My wife is OCD and ADD and gets caught up in things, and half the time doesn’t realize when she is being imposing or loud. She also creates a lot of mess around the house, sometimes worse than the kids. It is hard to keep order with someone like this. This is where you need to establish strong boundaries. It does not require physical strength but the correct mental framework. I just saw Corri’s post about power. Go read it.
Heather, my wife is smaller than me physically, but I feel her presence is very large in the house too. I allow her to be imposing, though I now allow her to be much less imposing that she once was. This is not due to our size, or anything she does (she is just as scattered as she has always been), but due to my attitude and a different way of thinking. That changes my self confidence which in turn helps me to stand up to her better and hold to my boundaries.
Why do I find this so much easier when H is out of the picture? That makes such a case for separation if I let it.....I've been trying to steer completely away from thoughts of separation however, so I don't really want to go there. I have made some important steps in 'showing H I am committed'. I have other reasons for making the gestures, but they are genuine in that regard and the actions may speak to H on a R level. We'll see. Again, I can make those gestures when he is gone because I don't feel so smothered, I feel like the choices are mine.
Aren’t you asking, then answering your own question here? Isn’t it easier to let go of anger when you don’t have to seek validation and approval from others? When your H is gone, there is no one to reflect back onto you, so you must stand on your own feet. When he is there, you seek validation, he withholds, and you get angry. So stop seeking validation. Seems pretty simple, right?
I am also thinking more and more that he is the pursuer and you are the avoider in your marriage (or at least these are your current roles). He is just so angry and dysfunctional that he has resorted to power plays to keep you engaged with him. He has given up chasing you since you seem to run away, so he has tried other tactics and has found that your running is really a bluff and what you really want is him. Now he has you and you’ve run out of options.
This is really interesting Cobra. I've always pegged myself as the pursuer and H as the avoider. I haven't thought through this well enough yet to decide if your suggestion could in fact be closer to the truth. I'll think about it.
If you are the avoider (and he seems to be saying this very thing) then pursuing him should be the right course of action.
This definitely gets positive reactions from H, but I've always attributed it to different reasons than me being the avoider. I thought it was because it helped rebuild the trust, it helped show H that I committed to him and making the M work. It could be all of the above and probably is, but my point is that I never considered the pursuer and avoider dynamic in this light. Interesting.
Understand that the pursuer/avoider dynamic is just one particular aspect of control behavior. That is why it is destructive. You know you two control try to control. Now try to understand how you both go about that. This is just one aspect.
Also, in your statement is more of your holding on to the idea of the marriage as an anchor for you. You have come to learn that you should not depend on him to give you support (though you do seem to act otherwise at times) but I wonder if you haven’t transferred that need to the idea of your marriage, rather than him per se? Show your commitment to him and the marriage for YOUR sake, not his. Do not expect him to return that commitment. That is a resentment trap.
There is still something there for you to work through. If there wasn’t our comments wouldn’t bother you.
There is lots for me to work through, no doubt. Sometimes I don't *feel* like I am much further along that when I started this journey.
I know this feeling. I have recognized in me the trade off in the pain of “taking the punch” and accepting and admitting to my flaws versus the pain and frustration of staying stuck. As long as the first pain is greater than the second, I believe we all will stay stuck. When the marriage deteriorates so much that the pain of staying stuck is more than we can bear, the first option does not look so bad, and we reluctantly decide to swallow our medicine.
Once you do this a few times, “taking the punch” is not so bad. You realize you can take it and each time it is another notch under your belt, not unlike advancing through the belt ranks in the martial arts.
