Am I Creating a SSM Part V

[heatherg]

But I still get the same theme from you, that you are a victim and until your H decides to step up to the plate, there is little you can do to salvage the marriage.

Well, I think I'm past the point of feeling like *I* am a victim (although those feelings might return along with H), but more that our M is the victim of two people who can't get their sh!t together. I'm trying and I can sometimes see where H is trying too. But I can't see his efforts as often as I need to in order to assure me that the M will ultimately survive. And I can't take full responsibility for that. That's all I'm saying.

It may also be because I and so many others can see how this stubbornness holds you back and keeps you pitted in a power struggle with your H.

Agreed. We are two strong personalities trying to live under the same roof. I wasn't always a strong personality, so I often wonder if H would choose me again. It is a fruitless thought I know, and one that has unnecessarily bothered me from time to time because it fits so nicely in the puzzle along with the other things that have bothered me (i.e. the porn and not being number one in H's life). I have to let go of those thoughts. But you're right Cobra. I'm often too stubborn for my own good. I feel smothered when H is home, his presence is just so big and he reigns over everything....his night owl habits and the way he insists on doing things his way even when I disagree (S5's bedtime and the associated routine, letting the kids sleep with him, leaving lights on in the house for them..on and on. My point is that when I am alone, I can feel me. When he is home, I get lost and I struggle to feel my own presence in our home and the power struggles ensue.

Letting the anger and resentment subside allows you to see things more objectively, lets you re-center your balance. You can trust your world and therefore yourself.

Why do I find this so much easier when H is out of the picture? That makes such a case for separation if I let it.....I've been trying to steer completely away from thoughts of separation however, so I don't really want to go there. I have made some important steps in 'showing H I am committed'. I have other reasons for making the gestures, but they are genuine in that regard and the actions may speak to H on a R level. We'll see. Again, I can make those gestures when he is gone because I don't feel so smothered, I feel like the choices are mine.

Perhaps what you are sensing and longing for is not religion per se, but the comfort and security of having faith, of removing that dread of the future.

This could be. I think though that I need to explore relition in order to decide what feels right to me. I need rituals, something spiritual where I can explore those thoughts and listen. Things that feed my soul, keep me grounded and help me feel whole. I think I feel especially empty in that regard right now because I am running on full capacity. With H gone, I take care of everything and rarely have a moment for my own thoughts. Even when I go to karate on Friday nights, the kids are running about and making noise and I hear them and am distracted by it. Being a 'single Mom' is not easy When H returns, I will be able to hear myself think again hopefully or at least will have the freedom to go for a walk alone if I choose where I can be by myself. I just need to think heavily on this area of my life, I feel something pulling me, although that makes it sound weirder than it is.

I am also thinking more and more that he is the pursuer and you are the avoider in your marriage (or at least these are your current roles). He is just so angry and dysfunctional that he has resorted to power plays to keep you engaged with him. He has given up chasing you since you seem to run away, so he has tried other tactics and has found that your running is really a bluff and what you really want is him. Now he has you and you’ve run out of options.

This is really interesting Cobra. I've always pegged myself as the pursuer and H as the avoider. I haven't thought through this well enough yet to decide if your suggestion could in fact be closer to the truth. I'll think about it.

If you are the avoider (and he seems to be saying this very thing) then pursuing him should be the right course of action.

This definitely gets positive reactions from H, but I've always attributed it to different reasons than me being the avoider. I thought it was because it helped rebuild the trust, it helped show H that I committed to him and making the M work. It could be all of the above and probably is, but my point is that I never considered the pursuer and avoider dynamic in this light. Interesting.

There is still something there for you to work through. If there wasn’t our comments wouldn’t bother you.

There is lots for me to work through, no doubt. Sometimes I don't *feel* like I am much further along that when I started this journey. But it is possible for comments to bother me not because they harbor the hidden truths of my subconcious but because the comments are disrespectful. I can tell the difference between something that could be true although I may not be ready to admit it and something that is...well, something else.