I’m not sure how to respond to you. I know the pain and frustration you are going through and the concern you have for your kids by staying in the marriage. But I still get the same theme from you, that you are a victim and until your H decides to step up to the plate, there is little you can do to salvage the marriage. If you truly believe this, then you haven’t been listening to what so many wise posters have been saying to you and others. I know I have made you angry and I have been sharp with you, but dang it Heather, you just frustrate the h*ll out of me at times. Perhaps it is because you are too stubborn, a fighter, and won’t take no for an answer. I am like that too and perhaps that is why you can get under my skin. It may also be because I and so many others can see how this stubbornness holds you back and keeps you pitted in a power struggle with your H. It seems like everyone has told you this and yet you continue.
Your current peace of mind is a good thing. Letting the anger and resentment subside allows you to see things more objectively, lets you re-center your balance. You can trust your world and therefore yourself. As Corri said, you can build respect for yourself which creates self confidence and allows resentment to wane. Perhaps what you are sensing and longing for is not religion per se, but the comfort and security of having faith, of removing that dread of the future. Religion can do this, but you don’t need to have religion. Agnostics can still have faith – faith in themselves, the goodness of man, the predictability of this universe. Maybe that is God. I don’t know. Is that faith, that longing for a positive future what you are looking for?
Taking some time for yourself is essential, but do not run away from your growth. That is what triggered much of this trouble and will rekindle the fears in your H. I am concerned that as soon as your H steps back in the house, you two will lock horns again and the whole cycle will restart. It cannot happen any other way because neither of you have grown enough to prevent it.
I am also thinking more and more that he is the pursuer and you are the avoider in your marriage (or at least these are your current roles). He is just so angry and dysfunctional that he has resorted to power plays to keep you engaged with him. He has given up chasing you since you seem to run away, so he has tried other tactics and has found that your running is really a bluff and what you really want is him. Now he has you and you’ve run out of options. You recognize the abuse and power he exerts over you, and reading up on this confirms your ideas, and just makes you more and more angry. I know that drill. That is exactly my wife’s MO. It doesn’t get her anywhere except stuck in resentment and it won’t get you anywhere either.
If you are the avoider (and he seems to be saying this very thing) then pursuing him should be the right course of action. The problem is that he can use your pursuit as an opportunity to exact revenge. Until he can get past his anger, he won’t be able to accept the pursuit and comfort you offer. So much of the advice from others on boundaries comes into play here. So does detachment, differentiation, self respect and all that good stuff.
I understand that psychoanalysis hurts. Of course we don’t know you that well. But your issues are no different from everyone else. Even though we may be wrong in our “analysis,” we are still bumping up against hidden issues that irritate you. There is still something there for you to work through. If there wasn’t our comments wouldn’t bother you.
Read back over Corri’s latest post. She mentions that Blackfoot’s comments really bothered her, possibly like some of my comments bothered you. She understands that the fact a comment bothers you means there is something underneath that needs to be brought out. Rather than avoid that discomfort, she confronted it and tried to look inside herself for the answer. And she found it! Have you done the same? If not, our questions will not go away. As far as you run, those issues will still bother you and trigger your anger. Read again what Corri wrote. It is a gold mine of insight.
So after all is said and done, what exactly should you do? Accept your issues and stop deflecting that responsibility onto everything that causes you to stay a victim and hope to be rescued:
• the marriage vows that have trapped you • your self limitation of your options within your marriage • your refusal to accept an answer you don’t like but which you cannot control (your lesser of two evils comment) • your hiding behind the kids to stay in the marriage (which is really an avoidance of the abandonment issues from your FOO, see Lil’s post to CeMar about staying in the marriage only for the kids) • your refusal to acknowledge that the only one who needs to grow to change the mix in a relationship is you and that your H does not need to be involved, your continual acceptance of your H’s power over your marriage (and therefore acceptance of your lack of options because he called your bluff) • your unwillingness to accept the stonewalling with the counselor that you have handed your H • your reluctance to push forward with your true growth until your H starts his growth
Do you know what I see in all this? Two things – fear and control. Think about this Heather and compare your words to the confidence and peace that is coming from Corri. It truly is like night and day. I just don’t know how else to get through your walls.
