Am I Creating a SSM Part V

[heatherg]

Cobra,
I feel mostly that it is the recovery of my M that is stuck, not really my personal recovery. My personal growth will be a lifelong process I'm sure. I am still relatively young and I haven't had very many life experiences, so I may even be younger than my years in some ways. I am making progress.

I want to stay in this emotional place for a while. I don’t want to hear that I’m not healthy, said with the implication that I need to do something about it ASAP. I want to appreciate the lessons I’m learning and the pain I’ve been through and I need to stop trying to rush through this period in my life, trying to get to the ‘solution’. The book I’m reading has been really great, it puts a different perspective on difficult times, which I sorely needed (the new perspective I mean, could have done without the difficult times ). I am accepting that difficult times are part of the journey, part of the bigger picture in life and are necessary to becoming a deeper, richer person. It’s helped me understand that I don’t need to hurry up and ‘get better’ and the author put into words something that I feel-that modern psychology puts such an emphasis on getting better and moving on that people try to rush through their difficult times perhaps not allowing themselves to fully feel what they need to feel and never really understanding the opportunities that are brought forth as a result of suffering.

I’m missing something in my life, some spiritual expression. I’m not religious and don’t really necessarily believe in God. I wouldn’t say that I am Atheist, probably more agnostic. But I do believe in ritualistic expressions, tradition, fate. And I do believe that I am missing something although I can’t quite put my finger on what it is. I have been spending quite a bit of time thinking about this.

Lately, I feel calm and at peace for the most part. I hope that isn’t entirely due to the fact that H has been out of town for nearly a month, but it’s entirely possible. Right now, I feel as though I can get beyond the intense emotions that have plagued me and maybe get to the lessons, the whys of it all and the decisions about how to go on from here. I have to admit though, I am worried that the emotional turmoil will begin again upon H’s return. I am very content with things as they are…I have a connection with H, we talk about kid stuff and house stuff. I have the support of his family. But I don’t have to deal with H on a daily basis and I am peaceful. I wish it could stay this way quite frankly.

To the point at hand…..this discussion started because I think it is too generic to say that a person’s FOO is always involved in the case of an A. I had an A because I didn’t feel like I was number one in my H’s life and in addition, I wasn’t getting the attention and/or interaction with him that I need <ed>. It was a selfish answer to a common problem. My childhood obviously contributed to who I am today and may even have something to do with how I interpret love. But to try to find a deeper connection between my A and my childhood is, IMO, fruitless.


They are scared to confront their own issues, responsibilities and problems in the marriage, so they “act out.”

In some cases, yeah. But there are an awful lot of cases, certainly mine, where the person who has the A firmly believes that they tried to tell their partner in every way they knew how, that their needs were not being met in the R. So, scared or not, many cheating partners do in fact feel that they faced at least the problems in the M and perhaps their own issues and responsibilities too (although probably not to the extent needed as most people have a tendency to blame their partner rather than take on the responsibility themselves).

Your statement implies that an empty relationship is a force that acts upon you and forces you to seek out an EA. In other words, you are the victim of circumstance. This is simply not true. You are NOT a victim in your marriage.

By the virtue of the vows you take in M, you lock yourself into a lifetime with one partner. Now, I’m not saying one should take on the perspective of being a victim if M doesn't go as you'd expected, I’m saying that you are limited as to the paths you can take (or even would *want* to take) to get your needs met. To underestimate the effects this can have on a person is foolish.

It is possible to accept the lesser of two evils Cobra. I would like to make R issues as simple as saying ‘if it isn’t working, at some point, you need to be prepared to end the M’, which is what Schnarch would say I guess. But that isn’t an acceptable answer to me, nor is it for many other people. Logically, I can see the validity of it. But our interpersonal relationships with people, our partners in particular, are based on much more than logic and certainly in the short term ending my M would not make me happy and perhaps, god forbid, in the long term I wouldn’t be happy either. Being a mother isn’t something I would say I was born to do~but I love my children immensely, am a far better mother than I ever believed I would be, and my children certainly deserve to have me at an arm’s length at all times. You’ve told me before that I hide behind my children, basically using them as an empty excuse to stay in my M with a defeatist’s attitude. I say in return that you simply don’t know me well enough to make that kind of a statement. Whether you understand it or not, believe it or not, children make leaving a M a damn near impossible decision for a mother, at least one who is thinking clearly without the effects of an A or MLC.

One consequence I can see, and that I experienced with my W, is that by going to a relationship counselor, both you AND the COUNSELOR are now dependent on your H for progress. You have handed to him the power to now stonewall TWO people.

I can’t decide what I think about this comment. On one hand, I like it, it seems to make sense, the cause and effect seems rational. On the other hand, it doesn’t ring true to me. Kind of a sales pitch or something that, on the surface, makes sense but after you’ve had time to think about it you’re still left thinking ‘Yeah, ok, but what does that MEAN?’. I acknowledge that H cannot stonewall my personal growth. But he can stonewall the M. To say that I can prevent that or stop that also reminds me of sales where they make you feel that the product and the sales script is so good that if you can’t sell it, then YOU must be the problem. If that’s what you’re trying to tell me, then you’re right, I guess I still don’t ‘get it’. A M is a covenant between two people because it *takes* two people. H can choose whatever path he wants pertaining to this M and unfortunately I have to accept it, emotionally divorce/withdraw or leave. I can take the path of personal growth and hope that it has some effects on my M, but ultimately, I cannot change the course of this M without H’s help. Just by saying that I won’t *allow* him to stonewall the progress unfortunately doesn’t make it so…..we ARE dependent on H for the progress of the M.

What type of counselor are you seeing? Is s/he a relationship counselor, focusing on validation and affirmation between you two versus focusing more on each of individually and not trying to focus on “the marriage?”


She's the former. Almost everyone I talk to is the former. Probably why I'm so frustrated, huh? I'm sick of hearing that my M is not healthy, that eventually something has to change, that both people have to want it to work, etc. I know all that and the fact that I alone cannot change those facts is extremely frustrating. I choose to think about my actual M very little lately. Again, that could be because H is gone.

I do agree that we may have been putting the cart before the horse with the MC, so thank you for pointing that out. I had already been in IC for a year and half but H was not, so he in particular was probably not in the right place for MC yet.

Perhaps you should find a counselor with a different philosophy?

Perhaps. I have already personally committed to my own growth, whereas H has not. So, I can go through counselors until the cows come home, but I’m still not going to get the desired effect because I have no leverage to entice H to go to IC and deal with his own issues.

After some thought, I decided I would like to say a little about my decision not to maintain a thread. During the weeks prior to my absence, I had a lot of difficulty composing my posts. I was bothered by many of the words left behind on my thread by Lil and yourself. I decided that what was bothering me in particular was that I don't want psychoanalysis. No one here knows me well enough to imply that they know more about me than I do. I appreciate any and all suggestions made with good intent...you and many others have been very involved in my personal growth and I am grateful. In retrospect however, there have been several posts that were disrespectful overall. I certainly don't want to give those posts more credit than the ones that spoke directly to my heart and moved me to the point of tears or those posts that contained wit and and an edge that was just sharp enough to make me question myself or the posts that contained a general sense of caring for my wellbeing or those posts by people who just stopped in to offer their mild .02 when I needed it. So, I don't want to focus on the posts that I found disturbing, but I do want to say that I was affected by it.