Am I Creating a SSM Part V

[heatherg]

Before you start denying how much you don’t care for your H,

I don't deny that I care for my H, I still love him very much. It's just that under the circumstances, it's not the emotion that I feel most often. Most often I feel anger toward him for his attitude toward me and his actions. I have hated his behavior.

Staying for the kids is a smoke screen and you know it. You’ve left them before and seem quite accepting of having to leave them again

Cobra, WTH are you talking about?

So cut to the chase and own up to the fact that you still deeply love your husband, that you are terrified of being without him, and that in spite of all the machinations you go through to prove to yourself how independent you are, you are still very much enmeshed and dependent on him. While that is not the healthiest place to be, it is far better to accept your current weaknesses than keep deluding yourself. All of your vents are just meant to convince yourself that you don’t need him.


I have already 'owned up' to the fact that I still love my H. And at some point, if I decide to leave, I'll have to start changing my mindset to 'I can do this without him, etc'. It may be fake at first, but if I am going to leave, I may have to fake it until I make it, ya know? If I left, I would be alright, intellectually I know that. But that doesn't mean that I don't have to convince myself on many different levels. Leaving would not be easy for me, but that doesn't mean that at some point it isn't necessary, so I'll tell myself whatever I have to tell myself to get through it.

Right know you are not healthy, functional, or differentiated enough to stand on your own two feet.

Ahem. I stand on my own two feet really well actually. I'm simply a woman who is struggling immensely with the decision to stay or go. I love my H but I don't and can't love him enough for both of us. You can say I'm not differentiated and I won't dispute that, you can say that my M and the way my H and I interact is dysfunctional and I won't argue. Overall however, I am quite healthy and quite functional. My M is not my life. I have friends, I have a great job, I am a great mother and I'm successful at life by my own definition. You are correct when you say that I have many internal battles going on simultaneously and that I get my emotions all mixed up. I over analyze things and make myself crazy. There is a lot at stake and I am playing with more lives than just my own. The pressure of it all really gets to me. I'm trying to do the right thing.

Oh BTW, thanks for the comparison to CeMar. I guess your point was to offend me, or perhaps to get some validation or agreement from the rest of the BB at my expense. But really it just made me wonder what the hell you get out of making digs like that to people you don't know? Who is CeMar to you? Leave the dude alone, what do you care? If you have helpful words, then offer them. Otherwise....

And, don't get me wrong, you often have helpful words. In fact, I am thinking of myself as I write this. With my H, I may have the best of intentions. But I tend to screw it up in the delivery. I am too aggressive with the way I come across, especially if I am angry. It's the same with you. You often have helpful advice, but it tends to get lost on me because you throw in so much other crap.