my sense is that everyone here entirely agrees with that statement and Blackfoot has been telling me all along that my boundaries are crap.
I dont think your boundary on karate is crap. I dont think you saying to H, when he is loud, abusive, flips his lid,etc <calmly> 'dont speak to me like that' 'Ill speak to you when we are both calmer'. would be crap either. flipping in return is lack of control.(self) remember thats all we have.
I do think the no sex boundary is your 'right'. Its not crap because you have stuck to it. I do think you are entitled to anything you want. so in proper DBing, how has this 180 worked for your M? all the rest of the crap ones, the hotel, the airport/truck, the cab, are in the past. They were crap not because of what they were so much, but because they were fake, they no longer exist, and done out of reactivity. <shrug> You have to stop YOURSELF from going to the past. you can only deposit LU from this moment forward. here is a goal eliminate yes...but. dont think it dont say it. If your H brings up something you did, nod your head. yes I made a mistake. Im sorry it hurt you. I can only work on now. the quicker it has no effect on you the quicker it will go away. remember the LRS?
I know its hard. When I decided to go get x, (yes, I ultimately failed because of failing at the above) I did what works. I didnt worry about if she loved me. I knew she did. I couldve analyzed her actions and said nopt she doesnt. Not helpful. My thoughts/action are the only thing under my control. I didnt worry about what she was doing with OM. Was I entitled in a marriage to say, I wont see you or speak to you while you are involved with another man. Yes. Where would that boundary have gotten me? I didnt worry about the words of uncertainty coming out of her mouth, what she thought, the tests, the fights, whether it was fair, what she had to prove to me, if she made me happy or feel good....any of it. I did what works. (memory... during the second seperation, I let her contact me for one week, she started talking about coming back ...if then... how would I forgive her... sex.. if I was mad about a bj, i was gonna be really mad.... one of the few times I didnt say --whatever you want... I said dont worry about sex, I cant imagine wanting to have sex with you -- now how did that make her feel? )
here is a thread by a 'success story' This is a woman who did... what works.... while being in the middle of an extremely disrespectful and abusive situation. long wonderful story I have to say, I could never have done what she did. but the point of it is she did ....what works. no yes buts, no if thens, no expectations. I dont think anyone here disagres that an A is disrespecful and abusive behavior. very few people are saying D your SO to all the people on the I/A/J board. They are all trying to figure out what works. You cant sleep in your bed, so F'ing what. would you rather be sharing it with another women? like the OW in the I/A/J boards whos H's have been having A's for 2, 3 years? would that be less disrespctful?
