Hey Sheila!! Thanks for suggesting those books....I told myself that I was done with the 'self help' books for a while, but I am clearly struggling with the concept of boundaries and I will pick up either one or both of those books.
What determined the outcome was that BOTH of us needed to stop the dance, but both were not willing to do that.
That's so true. Certain things have to be my way at this point, thus my boundaries. No one can say that I haven't tolerated his way for a really long time and I'm sick of it. I see the continuation of these things as 'keeping up the dance'. But it DOES take both people. I've tried to stop and I think he's tried to stop, and we've actually managed to a certain degree. But he refuses to get past a certain point that would require a real commitment on his behalf. He says I've never recommited, but I've tried. I won't commit forever if he eventually doesn't get on the bandwagon, kwim?
I've made a commitment to stay for another year. I know I need to make the most of that year if I'm gonna stay. Otherwise, I might as well just leave now. I know I need to get us back to the point where he has previously refused to cross....and try to keep us there for the entire year. I have to be strong and patient and tough and do it even though I don't want to do the things I'm gonna have to do. And we've gotten so far apart, I don't even know how long it will take to get us back to that point again....we used to be able to recover fairly quickly, but certain things now repel me like the opposite end of a magnet and it's going to be really, really hard. I don't even know how to start. Small gestures each day I guess. A simple phone call just to say hi and then build from there. My only doubt at this point when it comes to how hard I've tried is that I haven't been patient and consistent enough. If I can do this for a full year and he still refuses to make progress, then I can have a clean conscience that this is no longer about my issues holding us back. I struggle soooo much because he doesn't deserve it. He has slammed the door so many freakin times in my face that it isn't funny....but I deserve it and my kids deserve it and so, just like Anna used to say....."H you can KMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Oops, that's probably not the best way to start is it?
How are things going with you? Are you guys still thinking about going to counseling together at some point?
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
