Am I Creating a SSM Part V

[heatherg]

No I cannot sleep despite putting away a bottle of Shiraz. Perhaps more on that after I receive counsel from some friends.

If you'd like to share here, please feel free. I'd love to try to help any way I can and I'm sure others feel the same. You've been a healing source for me and I appreciate it very much. Your words always really speak to me, I feel a lot of genuineness from your posts and that always soothes me. So please, any way I can return the favor....or at least try

Too other-directed. Essentially your boundary is for you and for you alone regardless of how OP respond to them.

I'd like to talk about this statement further....my sense is that everyone here entirely agrees with that statement and Blackfoot has been telling me all along that my boundaries are crap.
Are boundaries not intended to curb some bad behavior from another person? My understanding is, yes they are. So, by setting a boundary, we are telling another person 'I will not tolerate this from you'. Is that controlling? My guess is that most people here would say no it isn't, even though, at the very essence, you are trying to control the other person's behavior by setting a boundary. Ok, so let's talk about Schnarch for a minute. I've mentioned this before, but never got it all out to the point of a full discussion and it's still bothering me. In PM, there was a couple (can't remember names, can look it up later if anyone cares) where the wife made a boundary that she was no longer going to have sex when she felt her H was not intimately 'there'. So she would just stop. Get up and leave. That was her boundary. Then the responsibility was on her H to decide to a) be intimate in the way his W needed or b) never have sex again.

[ I'm editing this to add an afterthought. At this point, it seems that if the wife waiting for the H to initiate sex again, she would be creating a power struggle. She stopped the sex, I would think she would have to take responsibility to initiate next time, particularly if it seems her H is not going to. Ok, so she initiates again....is that pressure? It certainly seems so. Because if he doesn't comply, she will stop again. Then she initiates the next time and the cycle goes on. In my case, I ask to sleep back in my bed and Blackfoot tells me that I'm controlling. Is the wife controlling here as well? She's trying to get what she wants from her H isn't she? ]

Ok, now her boundary was relating to intimacy. Without intimacy, she wanted no sex. To choose option b, what is her H really telling her? I see this situation as very similar to mine. It appears that my H has chose option b, at least until I can prove something. It appears he is respecting my boundary, but what he is really doing is turning it back on me. Telling me that it is entirely possible to have what I want if I would only do XXX. But XXX is undefined. Now, in Schnarch, it didn't work that way. Her H came around in a relatively short amount of time. Had her H not done so, then I guess the responsibility is back on her to decide if she is ok with never having sex again. Duh! If her initial problem was not enough intimacy during sex, does no sex at all seem like a viable option? What person who has already shown themself to be a sexual being is truly ok with never having sex again, particularly if lack of intimacy was the problem from the beginning? It seems that to choose option b, the partner would really be telling you to go fly a kite. I suppose that is respecting a boundary, but the M has failed at that point, wouldn't you say?

I think my problem is that I'm not respecting my *own* boundaries. H has told me to go fly a kite and I can't seem to get my sh!t together to do it, apparently I'm waiting for the wind to be just right....yeah, that's it.