I think it is time to get brutally honest with yourself (not that others, including myself haven’t done so already). Completely forget about your H. If you read back through your many posts, I think you will see two common themes: 1) how much you hate your H and the anger you have over what he has “done” to you, and 2) how much you are obsessed with him, hang on for dear life, cannot leave him, are deeply hurt by him, and basically how much you are still in love with him. You are pulling yourself in both directions but you cannot bring yourself to admit this.
Although your H has issues of his own (and probably can’t see how he is doing the exact same things that you are), I think he senses within you both of these opposing emotions. Before you start denying how much you don’t care for your H, just ask yourself how much you think about other people you’ve know who you truly hate. If like me, you don’t give them a second thought, and probably don’t want to take up any energy wasting your time even thinking about them, right?
So how can it be that you spend so much time of every waking day obsessing over your H who you claim to hate so much? I don’t buy the excuse that you stay only for your kids. If that were true, you could physically be in the same place you are now, but mentally you wouldn’t think about him any more than your old enemies. Staying for the kids is a smoke screen and you know it. You’ve left them before and seem quite accepting of having to leave them again (as opposed to my wife who would fight to her last breath to stay with our kids).
So cut to the chase and own up to the fact that you still deeply love your husband, that you are terrified of being without him, and that in spite of all the machinations you go through to prove to yourself how independent you are, you are still very much enmeshed and dependent on him. While that is not the healthiest place to be, it is far better to accept your current weaknesses than keep deluding yourself. All of your vents are just meant to convince yourself that you don’t need him.
Right know you are not healthy, functional, or differentiated enough to stand on your own two feet. That is OK. But own up to it and stop fooling yourself. Then stop trying to fool your husband. He doesn’t buy it any more than I do. Be honest with yourself. Face your fears and admit to yourself that you are scared of being alone and want the security that comes from depending on your H. Then tell the same thing to your H. It is not a sign of weakness to be true to yourself and tell others about that.
If you truly don’t love him anymore, then come to terms with that and start acting that way. But doing what you can to pull him toward you just so you can smack him is not going to move you forward. Over two years of that sort of action should be getting the futility of across to you by now. If you don’t love him, stop obsessing over him. That will stop any feelings you have of him holding power over you - you just don’t care anymore and see not point in arguing with him over anything.
I don’t know for sure how you really feel, but I don’t think you do either. You are getting your emotions all mixed up and cannot tell one from the other anymore. You seem to be to have the following internal battles going on simultaneously:
1) Frustration with yourself over your poor boundaries versus anger toward him for his abusive behavior 2) Anger toward your parents for abandoning you versus anger toward him for not giving you the security and comfort you feel you need and deserve 3) Anger over your low self esteem and need for validation from others versus your reluctance to admit this weakness to yourself, keeping the focus of your problems on others, not yourself, and locking you into victim mentality 4) Jealousy and resentment of others for the good relationship they have, fueling your sense of entitlement versus acknowledging the fears and issues that prevent you from accepting these very things when offered to you 5) Anger toward your parents and the childhood shame they caused you versus frustration with your H that he is recreating this sense of shame (and not recognizing your hurts and coming to comfort you as you wanted your parents to).
I see other issues, but these are enough. You are weaving such a web of deception that you cannot see where you started your part of the problems versus where your H started his part. That keeps you from seeing where you are going or where you want to go. This type of self deception is the basis of bigger problems further down the line. Don’t turn yourself into a self hating narcissist. Staying on the fence, stuck in limbo, will drive you mad. Be true to yourself. Throw in the towel and give up the self deception. Only then is there any chance of him stopping his own delusions, allowing you two to start moving forward.
