Am I Creating a SSM Part V

[heatherg]

OMG, Hairdog, that was hilarious. THANK YOU!

Ok. Say I were to buckle down and really do this. How do I then handle the following:

I called H Sunday morning, he is out of town. I knew he had gone out the night before, my gut just knew. He didn't answer the phone the first time, I was leaving a voicemail and then realized he was calling me back. I picked up and said hi. Asked if he was still sleeping (it was 11:30 in the morning) and he said 'dozing in and out' in a playful way. I said 'where'd you guys go last night?' He said '....where did we *go* last night....?' like my question didn't make any sense. I remained quiet. After stalling as long as he could, he said 'Actually, I went out last night'. This interaction really, really pissed me off. First because I realized he hadn't intended to tell me. Mr. Trust. Second because once I questioned him, he tried to play his 'you're crazy mind trick' by trying to pretend my question didn't make sense although he quickly realized he wasn't going to be able to play that card for long as the question is very straightforward. So he told the truth. There was another time he went out to a bar and lied to me about it. Tried to say he just went to the ATM. At 12:30 at night? After he'd been drinking? HEL-LO. So, I looked at his ATM slip and then counted his cash. $20 was missing and he had a bunch of $1 bills. I said 'unless you were mugged on the way home, you didn't just go to the ATM'. He lied to my face that day. Not because I have disallowed him to go out. Because HE has disallowed ME to go out and he knows he has created a double standard. He knows it. So he lies to me rather than face up. What else has he lied about? What other pieces am I missing? Because I do, very much, feel like I am missing pieces. This crap just doesn't add up! I explained to H that it makes no sense for him to demand that I am trustworthy while he lies! I explained that I cannot trust him either, asked why he lies to me, why he doesn't straight up tell me where he's going and what he's doing. I asked questions about past outings that I may not know about. Asked if he's gone to strip clubs or topless bars. He said 'not in a long time'. I said 'how long?' He said he couldn't remember. I said 'I'll give you a few minutes, just try'. He said 'it's not worth thinking about, it's been a long time'. I said 'Well, long time or not, I should know about it, so has it been in the last two years?' He said he didn't know. Then he kept focusing on what a crazy person I sounded like. My voice gets really high pitched when I'm angry, but I was not by any means out of control, never got disrespectful or called him names. Just asked questions and refused to let him bow out of answering them. But he got away anyway. He eventually hurt my feelings and disrespected me to the point that I hung up. He kept saying things like 'How did I get here? How did I get to the place where my W grills me like this?' Or 'I have you on speaker phone because I am sick of holding the phone up to my ear and you should hear yourself...'. It's always me. I said 'H, I am angry right now. I may not sound at my best, but I don't need to sound my best when I am angry'. But he wouldn't let it go. I hung up. We haven't spoken since except about the kids or other necessary stuff. During our argument, I made the mistake of asking him if he could list any reason, besides our children, why I should stay with him. He said no and he couldn't think of any reasons to stay with me either. He said I'm mean and I'm bitter and I hate him the same way I always have. Always the victim. Just answer my f*cking questions and quite lying to me and I won't hate you! Is it really supposed to be this one-sided?

Ok, so fast forward to today. If I were to 'do what it takes', how do I reconcile that event in my mind? Knowing that it is not the situation, not particularly what was discussed, but how he handled it, how he bows out of his own responsibility over and over whil making me pay the ultimate price for my mistakes...and he knows he has all the power to decide when I have fully paid that price. He lies while he demands that I be truthful. He refuses to give up things he knows hurt me and he won't even discuss those things with me, won't tell me details of what he does or does not do.
I pointed out that he insists I've never been sorry for what I've done, but meanwhile, he has refused to discuss things with me, tells me 'it's not worth thinking aobut' even when I've expressed that it's important to me (which tells me *I'm* not worth it for him to think about it), refuses to take responsibility, etc. He said "oh and when did I ever get back to the point where I give a [censored]?' and I said 'you don't give a [censored], is that what you're saying?' He never asnwered that directly I realize now.

He has told me over and over that he wants me to fix this. In his eyes, I broke it and I need to fix it. And when he thinks it's good enough, MAYBE he'll participate. God, I can see some of the things I could do to make things better, I can see things that have worked. But worked how well and for how long? There was always something, some new card he would pull. I may have been able to fix some surface issues, but never any of the deeper issues. Because I *can't* fix those by myself. It takes two. I can change the dynamics, change the surface stuff. But I can't change who H is and I can't accept him the way he is either. No amount of Dbing will do either of those things for me.