thats why I posted the link for you, becuase I saw you say that you were going to stay for another year. Since you are, for your own sake, stop giving anger for anger, hurt for hurt, withdrawal for withdrawal, boundary for boundary. all of your negatives, about the R, all or your feelings... I discount none of them. out of your 7 goals I only see #'s 3 and maybe 4 as being goals that you have any say or control over. The rest are requirements, expectations and powerplays. IF he ..... then....
Stop this. sheesh. make goals that you can do. what are things that you have complete control over to generate positive feelings? That is power.
since this is the boundary you have brought up....
Quote: There are no boundaries in this R because he is too f*cking smart (or stupid, however you want to look at it) to give me enough power to create a meaningful boundary for myself. It is entirely freakin reasonable for someone to refuse sex if the partner won't even sleep in the same bed as them! is it? if you had your own apt, or were dating how much shared bed sleeping would there be? I am entitled to that. But instead of having any power to exert positive change in this R, my H just quits sex. He ignores my boundary entirely instead of giving it an ounce of credibility. And so, we go from bad to worse
you have said yourself what the result of the boundary is. he sets boundarys and wants you to respect them, and then in return he does respect yours, when you make one. he didnt ignore it unless the point of your boundary was to get him to move. now you both have boundaries that prevent love. IF thats not what you want to accomplish from your boundary, then you are creating a powerplay, tit for tat, boundary. Is it a solution or are you being right? Is it creating a rift, or creating closeness.
What is your entitlement getting you?
How does it make him feel that you withdraw from him even more? You go on vacation and have sex, then immediately ask for compensation by sleeping in your bed again. He says no --how does he know if this intimacy is for real?-- so you cut him off again. so was the sex mutual, or was it to extract something? I know what it was, but I also see how it appeared to him. Is that lovingly detached, or is that sex as a weapon. more powerplays? Is it reactionary? did you read the rest of the thread? Have you set up a DB appointment yet?
Im trying to ask questions instead of make statements. How am I doing? I dont like it.
You want him to work on his imagary, and yet by your own post you continue to keep yourself in limbo land thru your own imagary, blood pressure up and blood pressure down, depending on how you switch your perspective. If you are there for some time to come, why do that to yourself? I can think of some reasons, but they are not demonstrations of self control.
Your H will not be coerced, forced, manipulated, thru powerplays or withdrawal.
They dont work. They are not a solution with your M. are we in agreement on that? I think we both know that. Much like I have said to Brian, there are many weapons in your feminine arsenal that will be far more effective.
There are so few guys that could pass, your tests heather. He will not be controlled by you. he will not cave to the powerplays etc. There are behaviors by you that may/will work over t i m e. but if you are just going to continue with the powerplays and trying to control him, then the next year is going to be miserable for you.
I am absolutely stuck and horrified and hurting and angry. When all I want to do is live and love and be loved. I know. Dont we all. Give what you want. For your own sake, I really hope you 1) detach and stop being reactionary 2) do what works.
That question seems so simple....unless your partner is unusually controlling, in which case it gets less simple your just as controlling as he is.
I want to have hope. I want to believe. I want to roll up my sleeves and commit. hope comes from within, it comes from confidance in self. Same with our beliefs. they come from what we focus on. Doing is not as easy as wanting. it requires effort and giving. Wanting just lets you sit idly by hoping someone will come fill your wish list.
But I cannot continue to stick my head in the sand about the hurftul, demeaning and disrespectful manner in which my H chooses to 'deal' with me.
Ok. when Mrs. Nop offered you a real, useful, to dealing with that solution, did she suggest you stick you head in the sand?
I love my H, I will probably always love him.
I know, and I know you arent going anywhere for awhile. that doesnt even perplex me in the slightest. so please stop doing what isnt working, your thoughts and actions that are making your life miserable.
Take control of yourself, stop being reactionary, without withdrawing, and you will take your power back in a way that can restrain and heal the negative emotions in you.
anychance you are too addicted to them, to control yourself?
technically speaking I dont disagree with the concepts in stig's post. from a solution oriented perspective, negative pushes and withdrawing are the worst things you can do in your R.
