Am I Creating a SSM Part V

[Stigmata]

Hi Heather.

Yes, it's 5 a.m. No I cannot sleep despite putting away a bottle of Shiraz. Perhaps more on that after I receive counsel from some friends.

The obvious hurt in your post has drawn me out tonight in sort of an kindred spirit way as I was skimming the BB. I'm not caught up with too many OPs threads BTW so bear with and I'll try and make it brief.

I love my H, I will probably always love him. The injustice of my situation makes me want to get far away from him. Not because I want to be far away from him, but because he has to know that it is *not* ok to treat someone like this.

- Heather. This is your self-respect knocking on your brain pan, trying to get you to open the door. I admire your love for H. I think that's fantastic. But your love is not tough enough. It's weak. .

Weak love=Doormat

Your love is a white belt. At some point you are going to have to turn your love into an black belt no nonsense kill or be killed machine. This is only accomplished through very hard decisions and this mind set:

1. I will not allow H to treat me as an inferiour being.

2. I will not allow H to disrespect me as an F, a mother, a lover, and an W.

3. I will not allow anyone to disrespect me or my path as I make my way in this life, the one life that I have on this Earth. If they cannot respect me then I must hold on to myself and distance myself from their lack of respect.

I hate to see you in this ongoing torture, Heather, as evidenced in your comments. But you do have the power, Heather. You just don't see it right now.

I see how reactive that is. But I tell you, I've tried everything. We have had sex once in the last 6-7 months. Once! There are no boundaries in this R because he is too f*cking smart (or stupid, however you want to look at it) to give me enough power to create a meaningful boundary for myself. It is entirely freakin reasonable for someone to refuse sex if the partner won't even sleep in the same bed as them! I am entitled to that. But instead of having any power to exert positive change in this R, my H just quits sex. He ignores my boundary entirely instead of giving it an ounce of credibility. And so, we go from bad to worse.

- Heather. I want you to look at the line, ...to give me enough power to create a meaningful boundary for myself....

-- Do you see? I'm sure you do now in hindsight. But spontaneous writing often is what is necessary to allow the subconscious to leak out its objections somewhat unfiltered.

You have a scarcity mentality going on here, Heather. This is not an F in a position of power. You are giving it all to H to decide for the both of you as to how the R should proceed.

I just saw "The Devil Wears Prada" with Meryl Streep as an "dragon lady" head of a fashion mag. (yes, I'm secure in my masculinity thank you. Go back to your peanut gallery and hold the comments, you insecure Ms.)

Anyway, she has a lot of flaws, yes, but she would never say a comment like this. She keeps her power for herself and projects strength under duress.

Heather, you don't need H's permission to set a boundary. It's a simple as mentally deciding what you will and will not tolerate then slamming down the line/fence/wall and refusing to cave in in the face of unpleasantries. If the OP resists? Sorry, all my decisions are final. No negotiating. Take it or leave it.

If you accept my boundary? Fine. Then I will work with you since I now have your respect.

And you made a nice summation just afterwards...

When I say power to influence, I'm not talking about control.....in a R, partners must feel as though they can influence their spouse to a certain degree. Ultimately, that is what a boundary is intended for, to demand a certain amount of respect in a particular situation.

- You have exactly the right logic Heather but the only piece where you're off target is in the focus. Too other-directed. Essentially your boundary is for you and for you alone regardless of how OP respond to them. Some may respond positively, others terribly negatively. doesn't matter. Your boundary is between you and your respect for yourself. You are your own best friend and protector. You have to lean on your self-respect to carry you through life just as your self-respect has to lean on you to enforce what it wants.

What H or OP do to try and manipulate you to give up your beliefs/protection of self is irrelevant. They are only outside forces that must fall in line if they want to continue an interaction with you.

Finally, Heather. I know you wanted to stick it out for a year but this last post makes me think it can't possibly be maintained without causing you terrible stress and possible health problems, both mentally and physically. Yes, you have done a yeoman's job. Even in the short time I've followed your sitch it's like watching Sysyphus from greek myth pushing his boulder up the hill and just as he reaches the top it rolls all the way back down again over and over...

Or like the thirst-crazed Tantalus who just as he dips his chin to drink the cool water in Hades watches helpelessly as the water level suddenly drops out of reach every single time (hence, the word "tantalize.")

But screw these indulgent references. I see you near/at your breaking point, Heather. It's my belief your H will never let you up from this dysfunctional dynamic in which you both are participants. IMO he will never see "the sign" of your remorse. Broken/scratched records do that. They will sit there and skip skip skip until something bumps the needle and gets it moving again.

At some point you are going to have to muster up the strength to say enough is enough, along the lines of...

"H. I want so much from our r. I want so many positive things to happen between us and our family.

But it's been 2 whole years and you still don't trust me. All I wanted these past 2 years was to sleep with my H and share our love and be close to you. Well, now I've realized you won't allow that to happen. And frankly, I now realize I can't sleep in an bed with someone who does not trust me..."

- I don't want to go on and on here Heather with made-up dialogue. Don't like doing that. It's just that you're in a breaking point situation partially set up by your threatening to leave H etc. over and over again, which never happens or you always come back.

At some point you are going to have to break the ice jam. Your final boundary. The deal breaker. Either H accepts your boundary or you will leave...no ifs, ands, or buts.

Gone.

To an new apt. etc. and the separation papers will be drawn up.

Otherwise you will be spinning in this ongoing eddy of H punishment forever and I know you feel your life is to valuable to live like that.

Heather, despite what you think, H does not hold the power. He does not want to lose you. If he did, he would be gone or with an OW. It's my feeling that he subconsciously has a very real disrespect for you because you never follow through with what you threaten...and he uses that disrespect to pile on you even more.

Be decisive. Figure out what you will and will not tolerate as to H's treatment of you and then don't budge from that goal.

If physically leaving would be an 180 compared to the constant ongoing empty threats of leaving then that should be a consideration for you.

Firmness without devolving into anger makes people take notice. And if your personal boundary is understandable to anyone observing how you feel about any situation then holding firm to it/them will only gain the OP's respect...

...and that's what you need from H IMO.

-Stigmata-