Am I Creating a SSM Part V

[heatherg]

Be forewarned, I'm not viewing my M in a very positive light anymore.

"Is what I'm about to do going to bring me closer or move me farther away from my goal?"

I love that quote. I've kept it in my head and it has surfaced on more than one occasion. That question seems so simple....unless your partner is unusually controlling, in which case it gets less simple.

Setting up your goals is VERY, VERY, VERY important!!! If you haven't done so already, stop here, and go back and complete steps number 2 & 3. Know where you want to go in your relationship. You really can't skip this part, and expect to have good results.

Goals. Well, honestly I feel like my M has gone past the point where I can be helped. I don't feel like I have much control over the direction of this R. But *if* I were to have goals, they would maybe go something along the lines of:

1. H will invite me to sleep back in my bed.
2. H will stop disrespecting me when I express myself and he will actually care about what I am saying.
3. We will resume a physical R.
4. We will spend alone time together, making our R a priority in our lives.
5. We will go back to counseling.
6. H will agree to work on the imagery that apparently haunts him so that we can one day share passionate kisses again.
7. H will put his wedding ring back on and recommit to our M.

Blackfoot, I am here. I have agreed to counseling. I have read books to help me understand his point of view being the betrayed partner. I have cried and apologized. I have expressed an awareness of the deep pain I have caused him. I have told him I loved him only to get no response, several times over. I have limited the places I go. I have written letters. I have initiated countless conversations. The weeks that followed the revealing of the A, I answered every question H had honestly and openly. I have offered cell phone bills. I have tried to make sure I call from work whenever possible so that H has reassurance of where I truly am. I always tell H where I am going if I leave the house and I always call if I will be late. I have expressed that I want to be his wife.

On the negative side, I have given in to the absolute hopelessnes and frustration of this R too many times and I have allowed it to control the words that have come out of my mouth or the actions I have taken. I have threatened to leave too many times. I have told him that if it were not for the children I would not be here. I have been too emotional, I have let the pitch in my voice escalate to the point where there is no hiding that I am angry. I filed for divorce and let him be served with papers without ever saying a word. I have asked questions that I knew I could not handle the answers to.

Here is the 'but'. Frustration has been at the root of every single negative thing that I have said or done. Absolute frustration. I cannot have a conversation with my H where he does not disrespect me in one way or another. He'll refuse to answer my questions, he'll call me names, he'll walk away from me, pretend he's not listening, say whatever he needs to say to get me going so he can control the conversation/situation. What the heck good does it do to have goals when you can control so little? I am like Pavlov's dog who has just given up because the amount of influence I have over my H or over this R isn't even enough to warrant a goal! And these are not post A characteristics of my R. They were characteristics of my R pre-A, and again frustration was the biggest driver of the A. I honestly could not think of ways to be more thoroughly disrespected than my H has managed. I'm not saying that my H didn't love me on some level pre-A. He had many ways of showing love and affection....when it was easy. But when we were at odds, which was just about any time I had an issue or disagreed with anything he deemed important, love was nowhere to be found. He bent me to his will every time and I see now that there is very little love involved in such actions. And so, it makes me wonder....has H ever loved me really, loved me more than he loved himself? Enough to put my needs above his own on any significant occasion? Not really. When a more difficult situation arose where it was either his way or mine, he had more effective tools in his arsenal in order to assure that he either got his own way or make me wish he would have.

I love my H, I will probably always love him. The injustice of my situation makes me want to get far away from him. Not because I want to be far away from him, but because he has to know that it is *not* ok to treat someone like this. I see how reactive that is. But I tell you, I've tried everything. We have had sex once in the last 6-7 months. Once! There are no boundaries in this R because he is too f*cking smart (or stupid, however you want to look at it) to give me enough power to create a meaningful boundary for myself. It is entirely freakin reasonable for someone to refuse sex if the partner won't even sleep in the same bed as them! I am entitled to that. But instead of having any power to exert positive change in this R, my H just quits sex. He ignores my boundary entirely instead of giving it an ounce of credibility. And so, we go from bad to worse.

When I say power to influence, I'm not talking about control.....in a R, partners must feel as though they can influence their spouse to a certain degree. Ultimately, that is what a boundary is intended for, to demand a certain amount of respect in a particular situation. I do not have that. It doesn't work. Why? Why is my R so different? Is my H just so different than the rest of the population? Why? The ONLY answer I have, is that he truly no longer has feelings for me or he is not capable of the empathy and intimacy required in a loving R. Either way, what the hell good are goals?

Believe me, I see how negative this is. I read it back to myself and I see that with these beliefs, I give myself no hope for this R. I want to have hope. I want to believe. I want to roll up my sleeves and commit. But I cannot continue to stick my head in the sand about the hurftul, demeaning and disrespectful manner in which my H chooses to 'deal' with me. It's weird. I have moments, just moments lately, where I'll tell myself I'll just stay. Whatever it costs me, I'll just stay. I'll get to be with my kids and I'll have the security of my home and my standard of living and being part of an in tact family. My blood pressure drops. I feel peace. For a moment, I believe I can do it. And then the moment passes and I think what I am teaching my kids, I think about the pain of sleeping separately. I think about the desire to be close to H knowing that I cannot. I think about the isolation we've created inside our home. I think about never experiencing love again. I think about never being held close, never being cherished again for the rest of my life. I think about the intense jealousy I feel when I see a happy couple. And my blood pressure goes back up, my defenses are back on track and I'm again battling the feelings that are with me every single hour of every single day....the feelings that come with the possibility of leaving my family and parting with my kids for such a large amount of their lives. It literally haunts me. I know I can't stay but I know I can't leave. I am absolutely stuck and horrified and hurting and angry. When all I want to do is live and love and be loved. Funny. You'd think with the amount of time I spend being heckled by all of these thoughts, I'd have come up with a way to reconcile my wants with my reality. But, I have not.