If you don't mind my interjecting, this is where I think the crux of your problem is occurring:
Quote: H: "You've never been sorry for what you did, you have never recommitted to me."
Heather: "H, I *am* sorry for what I did..."
H cuts in: "Yeah, you're sorry alright. You continue to do whatever you want, thinking there should be no consequences for your actions".
Right there, in bold. He does not see your actions as concillitory. You are still enjoying life, doing things that please yourself, making decisions for yourself, and he does not see that you being a wife, in the same home, being a mother, as being 'sorry' for your actions.
In a word, you are not groveling. Shame on you.
No, I don't mean to disabuse his sense of recompense... but clearly, you are not acting like someone who is sorry for their actions, for you are not flogging yourself on a daily basis for your sins. I am not making light of this... but can you see it?
Your actions, in your daily life, to HIM, are not retrobutive in nature. You are not asking, daily, for pardon.
I think you need to have a conversation about forgiveness, in my opinion, and what 'forgiveness' means to both of you... what it looks like, what it sounds like, what it means to both of you. For if you have to carry a cross for the rest of your life, in his eyes... you may as well bail.
He clearly has not forgiven you... to me... he's still thinking about it. Forgiveness, to me, is a do or do not thing. Kind of like love. YOu either love someone or you do not... it isn't something that has to be thought about or considered... or it just 'isn't.' kwis?
You are sorry. You aren't 'think about' being sorry. You are. And you are ready to move on.
He isn't 'forgiving' you. He's still thinking about it. Fair enough. But the process of forgiving cannot take the rest of your lives. Justice is a crime that is paid for ONCE and forgiven. Done. End of discussion. Suffering is a crime that never ends... which, to me, he clearly wants to see you do. Not saying that is abnormal in these sitches... but... as one who went through the whole 'EA' thing with an H... there HAS to be an end... or there is no moving forward. Two years, in my mind... is well beyond the time of 'daily flogging' mode. Not saying it isn't beyond 'knee jerk' mode... but way beyond daily flogging mode.
In my mind, you need an 'end date.' He may not be able to give it to you. But for both of your sakes, and for the sake of your kids and your marriage, you need one, and soon. If not... you cannot live in an endless state of retribution... and that is what I think you are in.
