Am I Creating a SSM Part V

[heatherg]

Heather...you have probably heard this before, but I think your H has ONE thing going for him, and that's his parenting of your son, and he's not giving it up. That's where he gets his power and control, over you, over the family

I agree and I'm hoping as S5 gets older that will end....but then I think about the games that H intends to get S5 involved in and I'm not so sure. I can picture H and S5 up until the wee hours on the weekends, gaming. Ugh.

When I say action, I do not mean his unreasonable ideas on what you need to do.

While I admit that I have been inconsistent, there have been long spans of time where things have gone very well. I have been nice, he has been nice. It doesn't get us anywhere. There is always something, or many things, that ruin it eventually. A conversation where he tells me he'll never kiss me again. A conversation where he tells me I should put him through school now because he did it for me 7 years ago. A conversation where he tells me that I should quit karate or at least limit it to once a week. A conversation where he tells me how inappropriate it was to give a male coworker a ride home and how can he possibly allow me to sleep in my bed when I pull crap like that? A conversation where he tells me that I've never shown remorse, never shown commitment, on and on and on. So, while I would love to believe that there are actions out there that I could do that would turn this M around, I feel like I've BTDT. Now....I do acknowledge that perhaps I haven't BTDT for AS LONG of periods as it would take. I get easily discouraged by all the negative. Quite frankly, he needs to remember that I have a lot of issues with this M as well and he can only push me so far before I'm going to say 'Fine, fukc you then'....it's not like I'm smitten with the R we had and I would do anything to get it back. That's crap and that's what he wants from me. He wants me to regret everything I've ever done to damage this R, take responsibility for everything while he sits back in judgment, periodically saying, 'nope, sorry. not good enough'.
So, back to your point. BTDT. He *always* brings it back around to what I've done that I shouldn't have, etc. You and I can see it as unreasonable all day long and try to 'go around it', but I'm here to tell ya, he ain't lettin go of it.

so how about baby steps? find reason to go in there. sit on the be, lay down, wrestle/snuggle with the kids. if he comes in and says something say 'would you like me to leave'? that acknowledges he has the power here, despite what he says. how about in the morning? wake up and slip in and snuggle with him for a few minutes? If he says
something, reply, 'i just wanted a few minutes with you, or my family...etc.' get up. nothing for him to resist, cause there is no push by you.

Blackfoot, I so appreciate that you take the time to make suggestions to me, so please don't misunderstand me. The thought of doing this at this point, makes me ill. I tried this tactic back in the beginning before it had gone on so horrendously long. The fact is, it's too late. It's been too long. I'm done. I'm not going to placate him and soothe him like an wounded animal. It's too freakin late for that. He's not healing because he's not allowing himself to, not because I haven't tried. I always come back to 'maybe I haven't tried hard enough, I mean I do get discouraged and I haven't been consistent, etc'. Enough. What person *wouldn't* get discouraged in my situation? I'm not freakin Super Woman. I'm just a girl. Who made a mistake and wants to make it right. But I can't be perfect! I have to give myself credit for trying and stop telling myself I haven't done this or that or done it correctly or for long enough or perhaps I've tried it, *but* I didn't try it while wearing my lucky pink undies......I have to stop.

Ask him. 'H do you love me anymore?' scary stuff, makes you vulnerable. may require you to make a hard choice depending on his answer.

I've asked. He says he doesn't know.

of course I woulnt expect him to say yes. If he asked you what would you honestly say?

Right, him being who he is, I wouldn't expect him to say yes at this point either.
I would say "There is still love for you in my heart. After all that has gone on, it is not on the tip of my tongue anymore, but it can undoubtedly thrive again". I didn't have to think long and hard on that, it's what came to mind and it *is* what I would say.

The only thing your H has asked for is being nice to each other.

Yeah, ok <sarcasm>. He has asked for more than that, directly and indirectly. If this was just about being nice Blackfoot, I think I could handle that. It's because it's in fact about so much more than that, that being nice is sometimes more than I can handle.