heather


the things I am going to suggest are not intended to save your marriage at all cost. they are intended to be honest and require you H to acknowledge his power and control. so you can find out if you should stay or go, and that he has influence in that decision.

Right now I want to shove his head up his ^ss, since he likes it there so much. well thats not helpful. Your swiss cheese power plays the past couple months havent helped anything either though.

after the past few big blowups, its going to take T I M E, and actions, not words. That is the only thing your H is going to allow as proof, action, before anything moves forward. When I say action, I do not mean his unreasonable ideas on what you need to do.

The ladies are giving you some real good advice and support.

I can see that I wasnt clear about the bed issue.

I've tried to push the issue verbally and just get shot down, so stop. you set your self back from your goal when you do this. although he insists that I could sleep in my bed one day, it's all in my power thats not the truth. if it was, you would be sleeping there, already. so because he does have the power, he can use it to be cruel or be forgiving. say something like this, not in anger. If it wasnt a power game with him, he would tell you how and when.

if its done in a loving detached manner, and not a escalation of wills, I understand your feeling on this.
no I meant when you do it as a last resort. I wasnt talking about him.

Again, what would I do when he says no? Leave? That makes me feel worse than I did before I tried, kwim? yes I know. He *would* say no. maybe. Chromo has been trying to predict his W too, not very succesfully. However because you just -----> I just asked him 3 weeks ago and nothing has happened since then that would indicate he's changed his mind. this is what I am talking about by verbally pushing. you ask first out of fear. since you have to ask, you must not think you deserve it. mind you this is me trying to intuit him. on one level I understand how he feels. the only reason I didnt do this when I decided to fix things, is because I know what works. even when it conflicts with my feelings, I managed to force myself to do it, with some slips. I cheated and took shortcuts, to my detriment. of course. doi.

so how about baby steps? find reason to go in there. sit on the be, lay down, wrestle/snuggle with the kids. if he comes in and says something say 'would you like me to leave'? that acknowledges he has the power here, despite what he says. how about in the morning? wake up and slip in and snuggle with him for a few minutes? If he says
something, reply, 'i just wanted a few minutes with you, or my family...etc.' get up. nothing for him to resist, cause there is no push by you. There is always huge areas between withdrawing and pushing. they just take imagination and not personlizing. pretty impossible in this instand, I know.
After two years, what I want to know is, if my H really does care for me, why has he shown no empathy?

Ask him. 'H do you love me anymore?' scary stuff, makes you vulnerable. may require you to make a hard choice depending on his answer.

of course I woulnt expect him to say yes. If he asked you what would you honestly say?
Your there out of raw effort, choice, and commitment. Not much feeling to it, but its still respectable.
also, you have done a really crappy job of it yourself, the empathizing. even though you have a bunch of cuckholded H's telling you how much they wish they had that. irrelevant.

Why have you done a crappy job of it? Because you dont see it how he does, or even like several of us here, including a couple of A experts, have tried to relay to you. Yep. exactly. thats what empathy is. seeing his side of it and being able to feel his feelings.

But, let's just say that I'm nowhere near convinced that my H gives a sh!t if I live or die. And I am absolutely *not* being melodramatic. If we separate, he'd only have the kids 50% of the time. If I died on the other hand...
I dont think you are being melodramatic. I do think you are hurting, hopeless, and not forgiving yourself.
It was good to see your post, about your realization. It was a good first step to forgiving yourself. In the meantime, while your H is being a P, you can learn to take care of yourself, and stop being vengeful and vindictive and so reactive.
This is what you will learn if you live on your own, you may as well start now.

The only thing your H has asked for is being nice to each other.

so what kinds of things would give you hope? you were doing them, Im not going to tell them to you. Ill let you remember, and tell us.