Am I Creating a SSM Part V

[heatherg]

I'm guessing you feel like a better mother with your D because your H "lets" you have more control with her.

Yes, without a doubt. It really doesn't have much to do with the gender at all. Plus S5 was my first baby and I had lots of roadblocks like returning to work two weeks after having him and with working and being so exhausted and having a nephew who was colicky, I was terrified of never getting a full nights sleep again. Because H is a night owl, I gladly let him take over the night time duties, but I lost a great deal of bonding that I found I could not get back. It's one of my greater regrets. The MC asked me yesterday if H always wanted children, if he talked about it, etc. The answer is no, S5 was completely unplanned and I had no idea that H would be such an involved father....by the time I realized *how* involved he would be, the situation was staring me in the face and I do see how I contributed to setting that up with my willingness to give up nightly duties. I diligently breast fed, but I mostly pumped because a)Matt could help and b)I just didn't get the idea of sitting still with my baby, I was far too impatient, thinking of all the things I needed to do. He was a verrry slow, lazy breastfeeder and I quicky found that he gulped a bottle much more quickly. Of course, with my second child, I realized the benefits of sitting still with my miraculous new baby and I wasn't afraid of her one bit. I wish I could do the first one again, but alas, I cannot.

I need a few hours downtime, not a few moments. I have S6 and D4 and they are asleep by 7:30 every night. They wake up at 7am. What time do your kids have to wake up? They can't possibly be sleeping til 11am. Kids that age need up 11/12 hours sleep a night, if no naps.

Well, ideally, I would like that much time too. Especially to give H and I some alone time, but he never felt the same way. His point was that we spend so little time with them as it is, and for the most part, I do agree. Even if I separated from H, I cannot see myself putting them to bed before 9pm. Even that would give H and I 1-2 solid hours together, but he's not interested. We go out a lot too, out to dinner, shopping, etc and many times don't get home until 9-9:30. That will have to end once S5 is in kidegarten.
The kids get up at 6:45, but they both still get two hour naps at school, which they use easily the teachers tell us. I have quoted that children need bet 10-12 hours of sleep and he has figured the naps in. They are still supposed to get 10 uninterrupted hours at night regardless of naps, but he doesn't buy that I guess.

So is your H's music blaring loud enough for the kids to hear it?

Once my kids are sleeping, they are pretty sound sleepers. D3 can probably hear it just a little bit and she's usually been sleeping for an hour or so before H starts so it's not lound enough through H's door to wake her up. S5 can probably hear it more as he is right across the hall, but I don't think it keeps him awake unless he's already having a difficult night.

I remember reading your FOO story and I was struck by the fact that your parents didn't seem to tell you what a great kid you were and support you in school and activities. Your feelings of being left out are continuation.

My parents actually did tell me all the time how proud they were of me, etc. In fact, that may be where my expectation for admiration came. They always seemed 'surprised' by me, by how smart I was, by the hobbies I chose, by the way I initiated things on my own. I can remember my Mom saying to others "She loves books, I don't know where she gets it from...". They were very proud of me. I used to clean my room and do things to make my Mom happy and I used to be funny to make my Dad laugh. Nothing over the top, it's just how I learned to make them happy and proud.
But they never 'played' with me or truly interested themselves in my life and we lived 15 miles from 'town' so I was very, very lonely. So Jabez, perhpas you are right, that my feelings of being left out came from living that far away from civilization....when you are a kid and can't drive yourself to see friends or do things, 15 miles can seem like another country. I had two best friends who lived in town and I often felt very left out with them because I was too far away to participate in the spur of the moment things they did together. It was hard.