Am I Creating a SSM Part V

[heatherg]

Heather...I'm curious....have you communicated your understanding and regret of your "mistake" to your H the way you did to us in your post?

Not in a long time quite frankly. Over time, I have steadily built my defenses and now we don't even have intimate talks anymore where something like that could even come out. Any talks we have these days go more like

H: "You've never been sorry for what you did, you have never recommitted to me."
Heather: "H, I *am* sorry for what I did..."
H cuts in: "Yeah, you're sorry alright. You continue to do whatever you want, thinking there should be no consequences for your actions".
Heather: "I am committed, I do want to make this work, but things can't go on as they are..."
H: "Sure, everything needs to go back to the way it was, you get everything your way, life just goes on right?"

And on and on. I get so angry because there is no acknowledgement of anything I say...I might as well not be speaking, so lately I just don't.

so I can imagine how my resentment of his drinking would come across....say if my current H was also an alcoholic. If my H (current) had put out the impression towards me that he was unhappy with me about oh, I don't know...anything really....when I found out what he'd been doing.....I wouldn't have bought for a minute that he was truly remorseful....or that he cared about how he'd really hurt me.

Sorry, I'm a little confused, lol....do you mean if your current H was an alcoholic and he said he was unhappy with you for something, you wouldn't have thought he was truly sorry for drinking or for the pornography?

I know you've apologized to him time and time again...I'm just wondering if your resentments of other things is keeping that sencerity from getting through to him.

I haven't really apologized time and time again. I *have* apologized, but maybe not as much as he would like? I don't know.

GEL, I think you are absolutely dead on. My resentments about other things probably keep my sincerity from getting through. So simple, but really has such an overall impact. I resent the he!! out of him trying to alter my life like he has.....he doesn't have the rights that he has taken and he has also never really acknowledged anything pre-A. For whatever reasons he cut back on his drinking, but he's never acknowledged the affects of living like we did had on me...he still to this day insists that much of my issues with his drinking are due to other reasons, i.e. my childhood or something. For someone who has pulled so many punches of his own, to pull these extravagent stunts...it's infuriating. It still confounds me to really think about it....I haven't slept in my bed in two fukcing years. Even when he was drunk and pissing on the floor I never kicked him out of his own bed!! It is very difficult to be both sorry and angry at the same time.