You know, as I sit here, wondering about 'rechoosing' H, feeling guilty because I haven't do so.....
It occurs to me that I cannot give any guarantees. I do not ask for any from H either. Just a simple commitment to try on both our parts. Clearly I was not in a good place before the A. H has hurt me on many levels and I know that I hurt him immensely with my hateful attitude toward H and his drinking habits. We both have our share of responsibility. I have learned from my A. I have learned that I took my family for granted...even though I may not have been happy with our situation, I never fathomed how much power I had to hurt and how much capacity I had to *be* hurt. I see now that we have to guard that power, never let it get out of control as I did with my A. It was the most shameful, disrespectful and irresponsible thing I have ever done in my life and we have all lived with the aftermath for a very long time. Not just me, but H, my kids, our extended families. Everyone was affected by my mistake. But I can't take it back. I can't undo my mistake and I can't undo the hurt it caused. I can only say that I am so very sorry and that the mistake has not been taken lightly by me. I know the magnitude of what I did and can only promise that I will never make such a mistake again.
That only addresses my A. I still reside in the place I was pre-A, only it's even crappier now. My guilt over the A doesn't make me 'realize' what a great man my H is and how he really was a wonderful H afterall. It only made me realize how much we stand to lose. How much we have to gain by trying. But aside from that, I cannot guarantee anything. I cannot commit til death do us part the way I did on our wedding day. But I sincerely want to work toward that. Is that such a bad deal?
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
