Am I Creating a SSM Part V

[heatherg]

Karen, I know it seems crazy that I stay given how I feel. There have been times when I've felt moments of clarity where I truly feel like I have the strength to leave....and then I look at my kids and I instantly start to sob. It makes my heart turn inside out to think of what this would do to them.
My H has been gone for two days and S5 misses him so much when he's gone....he sleeps with his shirts, the first night he cried, etc. I can't imagine trying to explain to them that this is the way it will be from now on.
Quite honestly, that is why I stay. Because as much as this sucks for me, they are still happy.

I don't expect H to ever understand why I had the A, although I'm not sure we'll ever be able to move forward if he doesn't on some level. He has to feel a little empathy for me in order to get an idea of where I was at mentally I think. But I'm not holding out for that by any means. I would just like us to be able to move forward. I do hold out hope that someday he will say 'I hate that part of you that did that to me, but I still love you and am ready to move forward." I do feel like if I can do better, try harder, maybe that could happen. I wonder sometimes if he doesn't have any idea how much I'm hurting, I wonder if I've let anything but my anger show. And I blame myself for that and I try to think of ways to get it through. But ultimately I just drive myself crazy, get discouraged and end up back in a place where I just want to quit.