Am I Creating a SSM Part V

[heatherg]

Balto: If you do nothing, the status quo will most likely extend longer than you are willing to wait so for all practical purposes there is no downside to the effort as the only real negative effect is what you are currently living with (I'm assuming physical safety is not in question).

I see your point. And I think if I do this, it truly would need to be a last ditch effort because, while I don't think H would try to use physical force again, I do believe that he would make my life such a living hell that I would regret ever taking a stance on the matter. H is a night owl and by nature stays up 2-3 hours later than me per night.....he would have plenty of time to torture me without losing a wink of sleep himself.
I believe that going back to my own bed would probably only escalate things to the point where separation would become inescapable....unless I wanted to back down and cause the whole stir for nothing which is obviously not a very good option. I would have to be very, very careful about what I chose to say.....probably very little to nothing actually, because if he detected a hint of an ultimatum, he would turn the whole thing into "Awe, poor baby has to have everything her way or else she's gonna divorce me...". If I chose this route, I would have to be prepared for months of torture, over which time, *hopefully* he would back off. Where that gets me, I'm not entirely sure because there are really two issues here. One is the issue of being forced to do something I don't think is right, the other is that after two years I strongly believe we should be sleeping *together* in the same bed and I do not agree with the message sleeping separately sends to our kids. Forcing my way back into my own bed may solve my first issue but I highly doubt it will solve my second issue because H would almost certainly not choose to sleep in the same bed with me. I'm really trying to think about this from all angles because it would be a very serious move. I know it may not seem like it to some of you who think the whole thing is just stupid...like my sister for instance who absolutely cannot fathom why I don't just go and sleep in my own bed. I know it is hard for people to understand. And then there are probably others who read my thread and think "Is she ever gonna take a stand, *do* something, *any*thing?!" I despise being thought of as weak or indecisive or as rationalizing the status quo, but this decision could carry many consequences.

Burgbud: I apologize if you mentioned this and I missed it, but how'd your karate testing go?

Hey, it went good thanks for asking!! I got my stripe and as it turned out, I think H would have ended up bringing the kids if S5 hadn't decided he didn't want to go afterall. H didn't encourage going, but I think he would have taken them if they'd wanted to go so that's good.

I'm so sorry to see you say goodbye But I am very, very happy that your life is really starting to move forward. I can't believe she finally moved out!!! Yey! I have to admit, I was wondering if she would ever leave, kwim? Take the dating thing slow, have fun with it. Who cares if you don't date at all for a while, just enjoy your space man. Take care Burgbud.
Keep your word and stop by now and again to check in on me!

Blackfoot: This comment gives me pause on my previous opinion, but only you will know if he is talking about you pushing it on a verbal level or with demands or anger.

Well, how are you saying I should push it? You said you thought I should just go and sleep in my own bed. Ok, I could do that. I guarantee you he is going to say 'no way in hell, get out'. What then? Do I get up and leave? Do I stay, repeating that I want to sleep in my bed with my H? Because, I also guarantee that he would see my staying in the bed as escalation of the issue and as demanding my own way.
I've tried to push the issue verbally and just get shot down, although he insists that I could sleep in my bed one day, it's all in my power.

if its done in a loving detached manner, and not a escalation of wills, I understand your feeling on this.

Loving, detached manner?! Last time he ripped my blankets off me, blared the TV, etc. all of which I fully anticipate he would do again. And I would act loving....how? I am serisouly considering your advice Blackfoot, but statements like the above two make me feel like you don't have a good grasp on what would happen if I tried to go back to my bed, which makes me rethink your advice, wondering if you'd change it if you had all the pieces.

I have thought this and rethought this and I come up with different answers each time about whether or not it is a good idea. I mean, even MWD says we've gotta *do* something right, do anything. Just take action. And like I said, I've been seriously considering the advice you've given me, but I don't want to consider it if you feel like you didn't have all the relevant info to give it.

Blackfoot: Im curious. does he ever say things like we should seperate then, or I want a D, etc?


No. Nor has he ever said he wants to work it out or that he loves me or even cares about me.

Blackfoot: Have you ever thought of going to your bed, during the night like your kids do? If he asks just say 'I want to be with my family'. That will not only be honest, but will probably be really scary for you, as it leaves you wide open to rejection, that you mentioned before, not wanting to give him that ability.

Again, what would I do when he says no? Leave? That makes me feel worse than I did before I tried, kwim? He *would* say no. I just asked him 3 weeks ago and nothing has happened since then that would indicate he's changed his mind.

finding reasons that tell you that your H does care for you.

Well, he has been really good about killing any bugs I have seen in the house for me. That's about the only positive I can see at the moment.
Somewhere you posted that certain things I relay make others hurt for me. After two years, what I want to know is, if my H really does care for me, why has he shown no empathy? He hasn't backed down on a single thing. Like I said above, I haven't heard any loving words in forever. For months after I revealed the A, I would tell him I loved him. It would fall on dead air so eventually I stopped saying it. I know I couldn't do this to him. Hell, I couldn't do this to myself! Why he's doing this to himself is beyond me. But, let's just say that I'm nowhere near convinced that my H gives a sh!t if I live or die. And I am absolutely *not* being melodramatic. If we separate, he'd only have the kids 50% of the time. If I died on the other hand...