I never said I thought my W was doing things intentionally. One of my biggest problems in all of this is over-empathizing with her. I see how she is scared by what I am proposing, the kind of R I want. She doesn't know how to be intimate, any more than I do. And she would rather stay in her comfort zone of not knowing than take the plunge into this fearful place where you do have to put your heart out on a plate and hope it doesn't get smashed. Life would be so much easier if I didn't have this need inside me.
"They are huge breaches of trust, and saying yes....but, and IF.... then is not acknowledging the A is 100% the offender."
The A person is 100% the offender ... for the A. Period. Maybe I'm just projecting here, because I myself am tempted to overly blame myself for everything. So when I see what appears to me to be someone overly blaming an A person, I get rowdy. An A is not the only way someone can "unchoose" someone else. And maybe I'll get villified over this, but I also don't think that an A is the worst thing that someone can do to their partner. It is up there for sure, but I can think of worse things. NOTE: this doesn't mean an A is justified in response. The mature thing to do would be to leave the R. But mistakes can and will be made by humans.
I agree with most of the rest, although maybe I am missing some of the points you are trying to make. I still see that there are other ways of majorly (is that a word) breaching trust in a relationship other than having an A. NOTE (yet again): that doesn't mean an A is justified.
I want to talk further about this but I'm getting the feeling that the crosstalk and noise is deafening the main issue, and that is helping Heather with her situation. Sorry if this discussion has gone too far afield
I know that this issue is also a thorn to you BF, and I'm sorry if I twisted that thorn thoughtlessly. Peace, my brother.
Your friend, Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
