Well she invited me over for supper again tonight.last night when I was there she just kind of brought up that she was going to be pretty busy this week having to make a cake and getting ready to help with a fund raiser.She makes wedding cakes on the side and she does this fund raiser every year.i thought it was good that she said that because it was kind of like I won't have time to do anything so don't be disipointed.I am trying really hard to just back off,I wish I would have done it sooner,I wish everyone that is just starting out could figure this out sooner and most of all I wish I would have found this site when I first became S.I pushed her so far that she was threatening me and calling me names every night when she called and thats when I told her to just sign the damn papers so now she says that I was the one that pushed the D through.I will not screw this up.Great to hear from you Violet,how are you?
Last night went well and yesterday the XW even came by the house and asked me to lunch and then wanted to talk to me and get my advise on a business venture she is thinking about so we had a very good talk and I just showed her support,this should be a big change she should see.Always before I would have told her she was crazy for taking a risk.She did tell me last night that she thought she was going through menepose but she didn't think she would go to the Dr. and get it checked out.This should be good I hope
Hey, you're getting all kinds encouraging signs from XW so don't go around the BB saying you're a crappy DBer because that doesn't seem to be the case!
That was great that she told you she'd be super busy this week - she wanted to make sure you didn't get the wrong idea when she wasn't as available to spend time together. Obviously, she cares about your feelings.
Being supportive of her potential business idea meant the world to her, whether she goes through with it, or not. See, she didn't just go ahead and do it. Most women want approval from spouse or parent - just someone who will say: I believe in you and whatever your dreams are, I support you because I care about your happiness.
About the menopause thing - seems like she's too young for that. I don't know much about it. I think it's a simple blood test that is done to check your hormone levels. Diet and exercise have tremendous influences on hormones, depression, mood swings, hot flashes, etc. Women in my family have told me to start with soy supplements, reduce sugars, and look into progesterone cream from the health food store. It's good that XW recognizes something's up. Maybe a trip to the doctor would be a good thing, but don't push her.
I'm not sure about giving XW the DR book. I remember it's not recommended to give spouse the DB book.
I haven't read the DR book. Do you think it would help me with my sit? I'm still working on letting go and most recently figured out I have a fear of letting myself feel happy about OR. Sometimes when I've got those lovin' feelings I still hold back and up go those protective walls.
Anyway, things are going better than ever for you with XW, so don't push her into OR stuff right now. Do you have the KLA tapes? Maybe you could implement some of those ideas into your DB technique. Remember, when you pursue, XW distances, so don't pursue!
Seems like XW IS working on herself especially in the self-esteem department - she's been exploring new career ideas. Give her space to figure out more about herself and show support by listening to her. It's so great that she's making new plans about her future and she's telling you about it. Another good sign!
The sort of "code" her is to not let the SO know about the "program", the board, the books, whatever. I suppose the idea is that it will let them in on our "secret" of what we are doing to work this out.
Last August, my W sat me down and told me that she had hired a divorce atty, and to expect him to contact me. I did not handle it well. I kind of ranted, and told her what I thought of lawyers, and said that WE should talk, not our lawyers. I had just read, and then printed out the first chapter of DR (pre pub date), and I pulled it out and gave it to her, saying that I had pre-ordered the book, but would now cancel it, considering her latest decision. A few days later, she came to me with the print out of the chapter in hand with hi-lighted sections, and asked that I not cancel the order. I gave her DR for our anniversary in Sept.
We are still not divorced, still not "back together", but our road is leading toward reconciling. I believe the chapter, and maybe the book (if she read it) helped. But, she was receptive, and that's important.
I for one believe that if your SO is willing to consider all options, it's ok to give them information that will help them understand.
Thank you for the replies.I think I will hold off for right now on giving her the book.She is still inviting me over for supper a couple times a week and I will probaly see if she wants to go to eat with the kids this weekend for mothers day.She asked me to rub her feet last night so that took about an hour.How can so much improve and it still seems like I'm not going forward?
We had what I would consider a great night last night.XW decided to ride with us to d soccer game and then ask if we could take her to softball practice afterwards and we did.She even had us come over to where some of them were hanging out after pratice and then we came home.She is talking and trusting me that I won't get all bent out of shape and she is treating me with respect as I have been treating her.No bickering and just good times.
All I can say is that you are doing great, and it seems as if you both are slowly making progress. Please dont lose sight of your goals, for I believe if you maintain them in a positive way, she will eventually see them also.
My W did make a 180 in her life. It took her years to become who she is now. I now realize what you meant when you said you wished you were in my shoes, for you seem to realize that it will take time for her to change and come around. Perhaps more time than you want. I am thankful I guess that my W has already made her personal recovery, and I dont have to see my way totally through as you are. But, look at it like this. If you do stick with her as a friend, and see her through this, I can almost gaurantee she will eventually love you all the more for it.
Keep staying positive as you have done, keep faith in the Lord, and things will certainly get better for you.
Thanks for the reply,what you said is so true.It does take time and in the last several days she has been calling and talking or not wanting me to hang up if I have to call her.
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