If someone chooses not to at least try to meet the physical and emotional needs of their spouse, after promising to do so in their marriage vows, what is the difference between that and an A?

It appears you are asking me for a rationalization for adultery. Thats not going to happen. Nice try on the two choice dilemma though.

If someone chooses not to at least try to meet the physical and emotional needs of their spouse
As Corri said, both spouses are 50% responsible for what happens, PRIOR to the A. So Chromo, prior to your A, were you choosing not to meet your W emotional needs, that you have now taken the time and gotten the help to understand and 'compute'? Were you intentionally killing her sex drive with the supplicating and placating, and fear? Now that you know them, are you doing a perfect job of it still?

Corri
I expected to be called out on somethings in that post, but for you to say, he was 50% responsible
and then to say, His verbal abuse ALONE, prior to her A, to me makes him the worst kind of offender
is interesting. Seems like a emotional reaction to me.

She was verbally abusive prior to A also. She was not meeting his needs prior to the A also. She has been ON and OFF again since she has been posting here, and has been tit for tat. now how was that helpful of me to say? Personlly I choose to take the positive perspective of what she does, and is trying to accomplish.

because she is here, and because she is still THERE, says to me she wants on some level to make her marriage better. Her emotional incongruence, and indecisiveness is ripping her apart, as you well know.
Thanks for the reaction though. Once again a F has remarked in no uncertain terms, her feelings on verbal abuse. I was verbally abusive, after the A, after our reconcil. I guess x was justified in escalating to a PA because of it. Oh wait, I was only 50% responsible. Cant take responsibility for her actions.

I think her A was emotional abuse of the worse sort. She could verbally abuse me, and honestly she did during her A, and I let it roll off. It would prick and poke here and there, but ...<shrug>. So I verbally abused her, she emotionally abused me. Which is worse? You can choose to take gender sides, you can denigrate men for their feelings on A, call it ego, or childish, but since you cannot have empathy for what it does to a man, you can at least choose sympathy, that they are both major damages.

he never unchose you, like you did him and the family with the A." the very last comment in my post, I said he has much of the blame. Just because a womans feelings are not wrong, does not mean a mans feelings are wrong. They are both entitled to their feelings. I could be wrong that he feels this way. He is probably just a spiteful pr!ck, who hates Heather, and only showed the tremendous effort and will power to work on his alcohol issue so he could reel her back in to make her miserable and abuse her.

If nothing else, I hope the men here, see the importance of having a strong frame. A woman will follow it whether its positive or negative.
I see a lot of guys here trying to learn to empathize or understand a womans perspective. Make himself more attractive. I see a lot of women here trying to fix their man, so he can understand her perspective. You sure dont like it when Cemar does that.

The choice comes when you learn what it is you can do, to move in a positive direction and make the other person start feeling good, or continue to make them feel bad.