The sort of "code" her is to not let the SO know about the "program", the board, the books, whatever. I suppose the idea is that it will let them in on our "secret" of what we are doing to work this out.
Last August, my W sat me down and told me that she had hired a divorce atty, and to expect him to contact me. I did not handle it well. I kind of ranted, and told her what I thought of lawyers, and said that WE should talk, not our lawyers. I had just read, and then printed out the first chapter of DR (pre pub date), and I pulled it out and gave it to her, saying that I had pre-ordered the book, but would now cancel it, considering her latest decision. A few days later, she came to me with the print out of the chapter in hand with hi-lighted sections, and asked that I not cancel the order. I gave her DR for our anniversary in Sept.
We are still not divorced, still not "back together", but our road is leading toward reconciling. I believe the chapter, and maybe the book (if she read it) helped. But, she was receptive, and that's important.
I for one believe that if your SO is willing to consider all options, it's ok to give them information that will help them understand.
