I actually paid for three sessions and have two left. But I'd have to pick just one thing to discuss because our situation is so multi faceted that even with going to counseling once a week, I still have new stuff to talk about every single time, lol. Knowing my situation, what would you say are the most critical issues in my R?

Both of you being P/A. Escalating instead of neutralizing, or deescalating the sitch, in response to him being a d!ck. perspective control. decision making instead of feeling=deciding, new feeling=new decision. Its very wastful of your energy and emotional resources, addicitve (literally, the emotional self juicing needs more extreme reactions, to get a 'fix') and causes life to live you, instead of you living life.

You know what your 'issues' are right now Heather. Working on those is not the solution. Its not the 'weekly new item' from you two playing wack a mole, with each other that you need to focus on.


Your H has made himself completely emotionally unavailable to you, because he gets hurt when he does. the most recent time I can remember he was vulnerable, that you have related, was when he came home from out of town, and you gave him the choice to ride in your truck, or take a cab. If I had choosen to never ride in your truck, I would now have added to that, never ask for a ride again, truck or not. he will continue to not ask you for anything, untill it comes to handing him a pen from the other side of the table. Has he ever asked you for sex since the A? Its not cause he doesnt want it.




All the other 'issues' are irrelevant, untill 1) you can feel a emotional connection with him again. 2) he feels safe enough to allow this. That is the vicious cycle I see going on. He doesnt ask you for anything, this makes you feel ignored, you ask him for stuff, in various ways, to reconnect and he rebuffs you, because he gets nothing from you he needs, and doesnt ask you for anything either. Thats about as differentiated as a person can get. I dont approve of it, or think its healty.

He isnt going to go first. IMO.
what are you going to do?

because I haven't always behaved like such a great person, i.e. with the one night stands I had in high school
forgive yourself. self criticism is internally incongruent. You did it. you hopefully see why YOU did it, not why someone forced you too, and know you wont choose that again. because its your decision.
Im gonna be real blunt.

Your one night stands and your needing H's approval and the A, is a issue you have of needing outside validation. thats normal, we all have it on some level, but when its destructive to your life, it needs to be handled. itll pop up again in the next R.
My one night stands, were about seeing how much power and control I had and testing my skills. Its probably why I played relational leapfrog (nopism) testing my 'value'. (I dont believe playing this leapfrog is possible from a purly logical level, in a M. we said vows after all. reality seems to differ with me. )
Both of them are from insecurity. They are both needs for validation. My checking for my 'value', was destructive to my life and happiness.

This is what he is unconciously trying to force you to get. validate yourself. Yes he is being a real Ahole about it. He needs to validate you. Yes I know your LB is dry from the past 2 years.

Perhaps eventually H would get over resenting me for one-upping his 'authority' on the matter
If Im correct, any bluster about you ignoring his authority about this is a facade. He says you do what you want. I think he wants to see you do what you want, in a positive way for the R.

H told me last time that if I pushed the issue, he would never sleep in the same bed as me again, period Your there. you have to calibrate. This comment gives me pause on my previous opinion, but only you will know if he is talking about you pushing it on a verbal level or with demands or anger.

I am still considering it as a last resort option before separation. if its done in a loving detached manner, and not a escalation of wills, I understand your feeling on this.

Once again, H does not 'choose me'. I force my way back, much like I did when he tried to kick me out. MO.
he never unchose you, like you did him and the family with the A. You feel you forced your way back, but if he really wanted to kick you out, you would be out. it was just testing behavior to see if its what you really wanted after unchoosing him.

Im curious. does he ever say things like we should seperate then, or I want a D, etc?
I really understand, your feelings heather. Your M is a mess. It is not emotionally satisfying to you. Seeing you relate how you feel about sleeping on the couch, being a outcast makes many of us sad/hurt for you. If you move out, you really will be an outcast, and to put it simplistically, his incorrect frame will win. (actually everyone will have lost)

Have you ever thought of going to your bed, during the night like your kids do? If he asks just say 'I want to be with my family'. That will not only be honest, but will probably be really scary for you, as it leaves you wide open to rejection, that you mentioned before, not wanting to give him that ability.

I still think you have the personality, the force of will, to be able to turn it around, if you can focus on what you want, instead of what you dont want. This is a crucial difference. do you see it? your there because of your kids and because you choose to be. Those are really positive reasons. I respect you for that. Tell you H that. maybe he will too, a little.

If you have any desire for your M to work, you will have to learn perspective control. Being able to see positives, finding reasons that tell you that your H does care for you. without that ability, you are going to bitterly continue in your IF he... then. and yes....buts, that show the incongruence between your feeling and your thoughts right now. Your ripping yourself apart. You can blame him, which he does have much since it is a R dynamic, or you can begin to take control over you. Finally.