Am I Creating a SSM Part V

[Burgbud]

Hey, Heather!

I apologize if you mentioned this and I missed it, but how'd your karate testing go?

Since I don't have a better place to do it, here's an update on me...on May 22nd, I helped some guys she hired move Steff out and into a townhouse she's leasing. *What* a relief. I've much calmer and more stable ever since. We're getting along very well for the most part with semi-regular flare ups to keep things interesting. The week she moved out we saw each other almost every day. I spent a couple of evenings putting together beds for the boys, we went to a band concert for S13, she invited me over to swim in her complex's pool and again for grilling out on Memorial Day. We're working custody like we did during our "in-house" separation; she has them MT, I have WTh and we alternate weekends. I'm still in the house and it seems likely I'll be able to swing it financially. I'm paying a pretty good chunk of child support this summer but there'll be a noticeable reduction when she starts working next fall. Thru mediation we've come up with a separation agreement and once the mediator finally gets around to typing it up we'll be able to file and should be officially divorced within about 4 weeks of filing.

She's still seeing Jonathon but they were "on a break" around the time she moved out. She's told me she doesn't plan on ever getting remarried and that long distance relationships (he's living in Baltimore) are the way to go because you get to live your own life most of the time. All of which represents a significant attitude shift from back when they were soulmates. I'm dating some, but my desire to be in a relationship took a precipitous dive when it became clear Steff was actually going to get moved out and my options in life were going to be wide open. Interesting how that worked.

I have to say I don't miss her; what that means is beyond my ability to determine. Did I never really love her? Did I just get used to not counting on her for anything? I dunno. But for the most my life is much better now. There has been the occasional heart breaking moment, like when Steff and S9 were talking in another room and I heard him say, "...if were were a real family..." After a lengthy pause she responded well. It would have been good to have been a high functioning family unit for the sake the lads, but what we are now is light years better than what we were. Oh, and S13, who's wanted a puppy since shortly after our dog died four years ago, got his wish Saturday. Now I have 50% custody of a 9 week old dog, which is a very weird thing to say but still kinda cool.

This forum has been interesting to peruse. Being the LBS of an unfaithful spouse is a soul crinkling experience but at least we get to pick up the pieces, grow from the experience and take a fresh stab at life. So many people here are giving an amazing effort to change their outlooks and approaches in hopes of opening up an uncooperative spouse, often with minimal positive feedback. It's humbling and gives me more appreciation for what Steff went thru, since being married to me wasn't much more of a bargain than being married to your H is, as we've previously discussed.

Having said that, my participation in this board has naturally been coming to a close for quite some time and with where I am in life it's really time to move on. My mind tends to occupy itself with the emotions of others even when I'm not involved in their thread and I need my concentration back in my real life, especially now that it's a fairly pleasant place to be. I imagine I'll swing by from time to time and check in on you and Joe and a few other folks (mostly in Surviving) but I don't plan on having much to say.

All of which means this will pretty much be my parting shot: I'd hate to see you divorced but I'm not a great fan of your marriage, either. You've put a tremendous amount of effort and emotional energy into this, you've grown a lot and you've earned a happy family. As is obvious from looking around these boards, however, we don't always get what we deserve. Be wary of people who can determine exactly what you need to do or who know what your H is really thinking based on the content of internet posts. There are lots of good suggestions and concepts around here, but you don't have to wait until you're perfect before you can feel you've earned your way out of your marriage. We've always got to try and improve as people but being with someone who can only love us when we're behaving perfectly isn't a winning concept. I've been out of good advice for you for a long time, so let me leave you with the obvious...no matter what you decide, married, separated, divorced or indifferent, make sure you're always getting healthier. Don't get stuck in something that restricts your growth and don't wait forever for circumstances to improve. You have a lot to offer your husband, your kids, your community and yourself. Keep getting better and moving forward. You're smart; you're not crazy or lost or selfish or weak. Trust yourself.


P.S. I took a little trip down memory lane and there on the first page of my very first thread was "heatherg". Thanks. I owe you and a handful of others an awful lot.