Am I Creating a SSM Part V

[heatherg]

What is his LL? I might start with WOA as a way of throwing him an life ring to start feeling better about himself and your R--especially since he's struggling with the further blow to his ego from your A.

You're probably right on, WOA is as close as I can come to identifying his LL. I've been having an internal dialogue since I read this. One part of me says "Try to think of nice things to say..." the other part of me says "It doesn't matter, it is too late". I did compliment him on the gift he picked out for nephew. It was the only thing I could think of! It's fairly difficult to want to stroke someone's ego who so throroughly makes you feel like crap.

Ask him to lead the way out as the head of your family and a great dad; a dad who wants his R to be a great example for your kids.

He insists that the 'ball is in my court'. He says my attitude is the problem. He will not take any responsibility.

I cant remember seeing you saying anything positive or saying anything that gives a hint that you have any type of respect for your H. This is curious to me, because I dont think its a honest or accurate protrayal because of some other things I see you doing.


Yeah, you're right. If I try to pick out things that I respect about him, I always qualify it with a 'yeah but'. Like I think he's a good Dad. Yeah but, a good Dad would not have done some of the things he's done with keeping the kids away from me and trying to shut me out.

However, I still want his approval. He judges people very harshly and I think I've said in the past that having his approval comforted me in many ways because I haven't always behaved like such a great person, i.e. with the one night stands I had in high school. I somehow felt like his acceptance cleansed me.
It's funny because he judges others so harshly, but yet seems to have a double standard for himself. I guess that's why I don't respect him (he doesn't live up to his own standards) but I still try to.

Your translating me again. Thats not what I said. not one of the thing you mentioned that you are not willing to do, was suggested by me. Or Mrs. Nops, or Cobra, or Stig, or anyone else. You are making this more then I said. Why are you doing that, with me, again?


I wasn't translating you, I was referring to what my H has specifically told me he has a problem with. Those are the things *he* says are examples of my unwillingness to do what it takes. If I ever want H to acknowledge that I've changed enough to warrant being his wife again, then I'm going to have to be able to show him that I've changed in the ways *he* has asked, not that I followed the recommendations of the DB BB. That is why I think it's hopeless Blackfoot. I'm not willing to do what he says it will take.

Heather. here is my opinion on the bed. go sleep in it. if he asks you what you are doing. tell him. we are married I am sleeping with my H.

This has pros and cons. I almost did this a while back and then decided not to. Let me list out what I see as possible pros:
Perhpas he will not try to convince me to sleep elsewhere either by physical force or emotional force.
Perhaps he will even sleep in the bed with me, in which case I would get to sleep with my kids at night when the crawl in with Daddy instead of feeling like an outsider who's been outcast.
Perhaps eventually H would get over resenting me for one-upping his 'authority' on the matter. If this occurred we could probably re-establish a physical relationship.

Cons:
That none of the above will occur.
That even if all of the above occur, it will be like so many other things in our past, we don't address the real issue and just keep moving forward hoping that the underlying issue will go away or won't be repeated in the future.
Once again, H does not 'choose me'. I force my way back, much like I did when he tried to kick me out.
He may sleep elsewhere, in which case I've won the battle of my self respect, but possibly lost the war. H told me last time that if I pushed the issue, he would never sleep in the same bed as me again, period.

With all that being said, I am still considering it as a last resort option before separation.


Thanks for checking in on me Mel!!