Am I Creating a SSM Part V

[Stigmata]

At some point, you have to give yourself permission to stop the madness don't you?

- Simply. Yes.

Heather I think your H obviously has a lot of self value issues going on in him. I think that's why he is determined to be the greatest dad ever. To feel like he has succeeded in getting one major thing right in his life.

The comments you just made about him being unmotivated in the past, sleeping in, staying up, getting drunk, wasting time on video games while you worked to become the successful family bread winner over time. And that tongue in cheek comment about you paying for vacations etc.

It's starting to appear to me your A also may be an convenient excuse for H to have a reason to rub your nose in the fact that you aren't so special after all, when compared to his accomplishments. And if he is in fact doing this I don't think it's on a conscious level.

I know a self-hater when I come across them as it's something I had to face in myself. This is why as I've said before you have to force yourself to remember it's not you. H's struggle IMO is within himself. Like an disoriented drowning victim, it seems he wants to grab you and drag you down with him so you won't swim away and leave him to sink. What is his LL? I might start with WOA as a way of throwing him an life ring to start feeling better about himself and your R--especially since he's struggling with the further blow to his ego from your A.

This stopping the madness. This is why I've said before too that you might try to plow through his nastiness with a totally cool head.

And hold his feet to the flames. Demand with firmness and loving kindness that H start offering concrete solutions and steps to be taken for the both of you to heal your R. I don't know what more you can do on your end in this regard that you haven't already done. Ask him to lead the way out as the head of your family and a great dad; a dad who wants his R to be a great example for your kids.

blackfoot:

2) the quitting my job and moving back to CA was not really P/A. It was a very multifacted decision that made me crazy, but it was really just very assertive
for my own needs.

- And a very hard lesson to learn. One that I have learned as well. What lesson?

To never ever ever put yourself in a position where your direction in life is destabilized by others. If you have an fantastic job? Then OM and x need to be the ones vacating the area if they've arrived at the locale at the same time as you. I know why you left and it's understandable. Just unfortunate you left yourself wide open due to OP.

In my case, I did not build my life around self-preservation first and leaving self open to others second. Result? My belongings are stored in 3 states and my business has suffered from all the mail forwarding and phone number changes. I can blame only myself for fcuking myself on this one.

Both of us now understand that in any future R we need to be sure we are so solid in our own life direction that if/when OP decide to wreck everything it will not destabilize our ability to maintain the key things that are important for self advancement/growth/progress with or without an SO.

-Stigmata-