She said that what he is doing is not ok and that his reactions are really over the top and not typical.

Well there is no solution in there, nor is it helpful in any way shape or form. Have you considered using a DB coach heather?

Chrome, you must not know me well enough to know that I don't hold back much

I had to laugh. thats exactly the same thought I had when I read chromo comment.
He's made it so dang clear he doesn't care
That is your pespective. To me, his actions show the someone who was so hurt, he wants to prevent it from happening again. that is someone who is enmeshed, not someone who doesnt care. But the same applies to you. I see you continuing with the mental thoughts of....

If he... then.....

It occurred to me yesterday that my H has actually divorced *me* emotionally. He has taken away any and all symbols of M and has made himself almost totally emotionally unavailable. Yeah this is a serious mistake on his part. most likely you will follow him down this road. I understand.

The unfairness that I am expected to keep trying, keep morphing while he sits in judgment of everything, never having to acknowledge his wrongs or his negative contributions to ANYthing. And then I get evil. And the cycle goes on. And on. I have got to break it and I feel like the only way I will ever break it is to step out of the situation that I feel is so unjust. That means to leave our home. I do not want a divorce. I want our M to work.

I wonder what his perspective of who started the cycle and then he becomes evil is. Im sure it goes way back before the A. If he wanted a D dont you think he would file? If he didnt want to be married, why doesnt he kick you out? or move on? why does he plan vacations with you as a family, etc etc etc.

this time I will be really consistent, seek nothing in return, e no one here thinks you should seek nothing in return. There is a huge difference in seeking something, and trying to force, demand and use your weapons of battle, warrior girl.

Im not even gonna bother touching the porn issue. Your both so P/A right now, and you are setting yourself up with your comments, for more entitlement, and integrity stuff....... yes I am. that was a wiped and old harddrive. reviewing it and conjuring up -could be, -maybes etc, was just sucking your love bank dry. But I have used that tactic myself too.

It is also a sad way to live your life to look back and wish you could have made things work, to wish your kids had one happy home, to wish for family vacations again.
The whole thing sucks so bad I could puke.

I know.

In rereading my post to you about being P/A, I noticed a couple things. 1) Im really really hyper critical of self. no this in not a revelation, but I never thought of it as being detrimental, to myself or to my SO.


2) the quitting my job and moving back to CA was not really P/A. It was a very multifacted decision that made me crazy, but it was really just very assertive for my own needs.

the going dark and giving her the 'whatever you want' however, the second time was. I didnt want to be the 'bad guy' and end the M, nor was I willing to do what it would take, when she wasnt willing to deal with me, about my anger over the EA and chose instead to deal with it, by having a PA. Dr. Harley warned me about the anger, and it was a very very unalpha thing to do. Not doing what I know would work the second seperation, and doing what I knew is typical of hurt men, but drives women nuts, was pretty weak of me. more criticism of self, but I forgive myself for that weakness. The PA was too much for me. I would be prouder of myself if I had just gone and filed, rather then whipping her, every time she tried to make contact, with my P/A tactics.
Easy to see now. Not so easy when you are stuck in the fog.

I hope you see my point heather. you are not making a decision. Your not doing what it takes, (committing) and not willing to end it either. Mrs. Nops gave you some real and specific ways of thinking and doing this. saying I wont commit to the marriage the way it is, is a sort of power play. The M will not stay the way it is, if you change. That doesnt mean you have to morph into what you think, he thinks you should. (that was fun to write to.) both of you attending MC is not necessary.

I think there may have been a time when seperating would have had a positive effect on your M. Now I think it will just add reinforcments to your H walling you out.

someone named WCW pasted a pretty good article on the on mercurial nature of marriage, in F4W current thread.