Am I Creating a SSM Part V

[heatherg]

Koshka, I plan to address all this stuff with the MC. She has said she'd be lying if she thought H would change at this point. She said obviously anything is possible, but based on what she saw of him in MC, she doesn't see it happening. She said she likes H, he seems like a good man, but that he needs help and has a lot of issues and they are all not a result of my A like he seems to believe. She said that what he is doing is not ok and that his reactions are really over the top and not typical.

Chrome, you must not know me well enough to know that I don't hold back much

My biggest problem at this point is that I have problems wording things in a nice way. He's made it so dang clear he doesn't care that it's been pretty hard to filter my words so that they are received in the best possible way.

I had my hard drive slicked a few months ago and I had to have the files recovered b/c I forgot I had digital pictures on my computer of my daughter's birth. I was devastated when I realized they were gone and the IT guy at work offered to work with it in their spare time to see if they could recover them. Well, they did and the guy also hinted around that there were some other 'interesting' pictures on there. I looked through them last night and H came in because he was suspicious of what I was doing (that computer hasn't been plugged in for months much less turned on) and he saw what I was looking through. He just went about his business, whistling and working out, etc. Never once seemed to care that the pictures I was looking at would really hurt me, even though he knows how I feel about it. I feel like I am missing pieces from his side because he refuses to talk about his computer/porn habits and I don't know how far it goes, kwim? I don't know if he's participated in webcams or joined sites or paid for anything. That information would really help me be able to seal up this indecisiveness I've had. This hard drive was only used for about two years (the other one died and I threw it away) so out of the files that were recovered I did not find anything I haven't seen before. Sublime Directory, Sex Tracker and CamCrush and a few other misc sites. I couldn't find any shots of alternate emails or member log ins.
Anyway, his nonchalance about the things that hurt me (while he takes to an extreme all the consequences for the things that hurt him) are the real signs to me that this is over.

Cobra, you made a really good point.....I need to remember to make this a two choice dilemma for him, not just tell him I want to separate. In that choice though, there are so many things that are critically amiss that I don't even know what to say to him. It occurred to me yesterday that my H has actually divorced *me* emotionally. He has taken away any and all symbols of M and has made himself almost totally emotionally unavailable.

Cobra, that was a really good post for me, thanks for writing it. I know I can start off at the point where my defenses are dropped and I just lay it out. I am worried about my ability to stay in that place as he counters everything I say, telling me I haven't done anything, haven't changed, want everything my way, am so selfish for doing this to the kids. He always manages to make me feel like he's right....like I haven't given enough, haven't been patient enough....no one is consistent in those things all the time and I have been more inconsistent than most as I have struggled with this sooo much, to stay or to go. I am so troubled by our R, but I know that leaving won't be easy either and I know it is in everyone's best interest to stay, so I start to think things like 'maybe I can give it one more try....this time I will be really consistent, seek nothing in return, etc' and I start out with the best of intentions. Then something happens like giving the coworker a ride home in which everything seems to go to hell in a handbasket because he tells me how I haven't changed, I think I can do whatever I want, my attitude is the problem, I make everything worse. I know that's not true and I know it's not fair to say that and I get angry, I can't get it all of my chest because he refuses to listen and I just boil on the inside with hatred over the unfairness of everything. The unfairness that I am expected to keep trying, keep morphing while he sits in judgment of everything, never having to acknowledge his wrongs or his negative contributions to ANYthing. And then I get evil. And the cycle goes on. And on. I have got to break it and I feel like the only way I will ever break it is to step out of the situation that I feel is so unjust. That means to leave our home. I do not want a divorce. I want our M to work. But I feel like it cannot work while I am living under the same roof. We both need perspective and I truly think the only thing that will give us that perspective is some space and time apart. It's just so sad that it will hurt the kids so immensely and moving out may actually make H hate me worse than anything and may totally ruin our chances for reconcilation. It's also possible that I may get into my own place and feel that this anger still isn't subsiding.....but if I find that, I will still be gaining the perspective I need. I'm not saying I'm 100% right or even right at all....I just feel how I feel and I need to do something to allow myself to either accept how I feel or change it. I've tried so hard to find a way to do that while living in the same home as H.....but I feel so banished inside my home that I can't seem to get to a dignified place inside myself to allow me to accept these circumstances as my reality. I just can't accept it. H is taking power he doesn't have rights to in order to create his reality inside our home. I can't accept that even as bad as I want things to be better. H hasn't shown a real capacity for change in his life, real personal growth kind of change.
It is also a sad way to live your life to look back and wish you could have made things work, to wish your kids had one happy home, to wish for family vacations again.

The whole thing sucks so bad I could puke.