Am I Creating a SSM Part V

[heatherg]

Blackfoot, thanks for sharing that link and a little about some of the things you've struggled with.

Koshka, I know if my H were the one to have had the A, I would naturally feel the inclination to change as well. So, don't get me wrong, I *DO* think that both parties need to do what they can to change in the ways they feel necessary and to help provide the things that their partner sees lacking. To me, that is just common sense. But I can see the logic behind someone saying "YOU cheat on me, then tell me *I* have to change? How the he!! do you figure?!" It's not that I agree, it's just that I understand where he is coming from.

I haven't been posting much because I'm just not in a very positive place. I'm seriously considering hanging it up. H refuses to back to C and as I see it, that was our last hope. In fact, now it would take even more than an agreement to go because I saw from the few times that he went that he was just showing up. He wasn't open to really trying and talking and taking suggestions. He was just there to tell his side, not to try to see different perspectives.
I told H that he wants me to change who I am, change how I think. I told him that this is me and if he doesn't like it he can go find somebody else. He said he doesn't want anybody else (he was probably getting ready to say he just wants his kids, but I cut him off) and I said well then live your hermit life alone then because I am past the point where I give a fu@k. I said I told you that counseling was our last hope and you bailed out. He said it wasn't helping. I said it wasn't helping *YOU* and that's what this is all about right? YOUR pain, YOUR suffering, YOUR consequences. I told him that I didn't want to ruin our vacaton that we have planned for the end of July but that when we got back we needed to have a very serious discussion because this is not working.

So, now I need to think very hard about what I need, how to present it and what to do if he doesn't agree to any of it. I am no willing to go forward in the state we are in.