Am I Creating a SSM Part V

[heatherg]

he needs your help stopping his negative and painful imagary. I know said you find this aspect of his 'childish' and that is a very apt description. That inner child was violently beaten by your A. That inner child wants justice. So how do you deal with a child?


I know. He told me just recently that I ripped his heart out. If I felt connected to him in any way these days, that may have made me cry. But I don't and it didn't.
I don't expect that I will ever be willing to do what he needs of me. We had a discussion Wed night where he told me that my attitude was the problem, my whole attitude where I think I can do whatever I want. I told him that I think I could get back to a place where I could behave more lovingly but that I would not ever be able to view my restricted freedom as he does. He told me that he needed me to take on the attitude that I need to do whatever I can to rebuild trust. I said you want me to take on your feelings about these issues (giving someone a ride home, not being able to go places, not being gone over a certain amount of time, etc). He said no, but I think even he knew that was in fact what he was saying. He wants me to voluntarily limit my freedom in almost all respects, be willing to do it forever if necessary and do it without resentment and with a great attitude and be very loving. I told him it was not going to happen. I told him everything I've read about rebuilding trust....nothing says that the person who cheated should have to give up their free time forever more. I need to be 'transparent' I told him. He knows the password to my email account, I've offered my cell phone bills, I check in, etc. He laughed and said I could have other email accounts, I could be anywhere when I call....same ole stuff.
I can't/won't give up my freedom.

Getting angry in return and saying things like...'shut your mouth' <grimace> give him more justification.

I know. I felt trapped because we were in the car and I couldn't walk away. Sometimes I think he actually gets satisfaction out of the kids hearing him say certain things.....I can't imagine why he insisted on keeping his voice raised even after I pointed it out. I mostly said 'shut your mouth' because I was livid that he wasn't concerned about the kids hearing what he was saying. He has said things like 'You H won't sleep with you because....' on more than one occasion in front of the kids and it drives me crazy. So, ironically, I was concerned about the kids hearing everything H was saying and the only thing S5 commented on was that it was not nice to tell Daddy to shut up.

Untill and unless you are willing to walk away because of the bed issue you are sabotoging yourself with making it about your integrity. I think it is more about pride, because of when and how you reacted the last time.

The emotions that I feel as a result of not sleeping in my bed vary and are probably caused by lots of things....my guilt, shame, pride, whatever. I don't deny that. But when I think about the principle....it is definitely my integrity that suffers. Particularly when I ask myself "WHY would you want to be with a man who finds it so easy and reasonable to treat you like this?" It quickly becomes a matter of integrity when I so strongly disapprove of the way I am being treated.

Your right its not fair. I noticed you just said he has to deal with the same thing.

Good point. At least I can acknowledge that what he has to deal with is not fair though. I can see my part in this and I can see how it has caused him to suffer. He does not acknowledge that it isn't fair to be kicked out of my bedroom....he not only thinks it *IS* fair, he is perfectly ready and willing to argue and and every point and/or feeling I have.

About your son. Have you thought of enrolling him in karate class with or on the same night(s) as you? even if it was just one of the nights.
I dont know if your dojo mixes ages...

S5 was in karate for a couple months. He decided he didn't want to go anymore. Karate is very focused and in my school, they treat the children just like the adults for the most part. So they have to focus and memorize the katas and the form....it isn't very exciting for a young kid.

See. I was always a jerk. Its not something new.

I don't think you're a jerk BF.

Lucky for me, women like that stuff. Either that or they were just using me for my sandbox. LOL

Hmm. Do you still have a sandbox?! If so, you might need to think on that one a bit longer