Am I Creating a SSM Part V

[heatherg]

MrsNops, I guess my old thread locked, but I wanted to say thanks for that link, it was a good reminder of things that I am supposed to be focusing on with my own behavior during my interactions with H. Keeping my cool, thinking before I speak, keeping my voice level, staying on topic, not participating in demeaning conversation, etc. Straight talk is difficult for me. I think it's because over time, the need to protect my feelings rather than reveal them has become so strong. It is very hard for me to admit the things that hurt me. I get angry instead. I guess I feel like so much of what H does is intended to hurt me (ignoring me, talking disrespectfully, calling me names,etc) that if I reveal to him that it hurts me, I feel like I am just telling him “YES, there you have it, anytime you want to hurt me, this is exactly what you need to do”.
Lately, I just spew hatred for H....I was doing really good for a while and now all the anger has been brought to the surface again. I am so frustrated and just about at the end of my rope because H has refused MC and keeps telling me that the ball is in my court. He keeps telling me that I am not committed and rattles off the same crap, i.e. 'disappearing' for a night (the hotel), taking strange men home (giving my coworker a ride). My anger is getting the best of me, I have got to get a grip. This link reminded me of the things I need to be focusing on.

You are definitely being hit with the vague language - you have this standard being held over you that you are supposed to achieve that will prove a goal - which is also vague.

He says he can't understand why I don't get it, why I wouldn't see that the ball is in my court. He acts like it is so obvious. I told him that I just want to reach an agreement where we can agree to move forward, agree to try. Maybe we can rekindle something, maybe we can't, but at least we can agree to try. We had a great Memorial weekend, but he just couldn't keep it going, he had to bring us back to the same old issues. I said I want to sleep in my own bed and be treated like a person. He snorted and told me I was 'such a child'. Which, to me, I can't get. I'm a child because I think it's totally wrong to be kicked out of my own bedroom for TWO years? I know that it is always easier to see fault in others than in yourself, but I really see the majority of childish behavior coming from him. But that would figure wouldn’t it, lol?
I told him that the farther away we get from the A, the less likely it is that he's going to miraculously see what he wants to see from me. I told him that in the beginning I had a lot more good feelings stored that allowed for me to be much more understanding of his perspective.....but now, there is so much water under the bridge and I feel like he beat me like a dog after I revealed the A. His rage was untethered and self preservation was absolutely necessary for me. So much has transpired, I just don't have it in me to give him unconditional love or understanding. I don't expect it from him either. I just want to try, that's all, neither of us demanding commitments or guarantees. I am convinced it would all fall into place if we could do this. He expects me to give more than himn and give before he does because I cheated on him. I can never argue against his logic….his logic is theoretically sound...it always is. Even when it came to my bridesmaids' dresses for our wedding....he had to agree on the style, color, etc. His logic was that it's his wedding too. Agreed. I can't even get the set of dishes I want because he doesn't like them. Granted, he shouldn't have to eat off dishes he doesn't like. So there it is….the logic I can’t argue with…I get so frustrated. My mother and sister want to scream 'why the HELL do you CARE?!', lol. Back to the point, I cheated on my H, I risked my family, I put it all on the line. Back in the beginning, I told H I would do anything, anything to fix it. H was entitled to every bit of anger he felt...here's the but....but the way he unleashed it on me has taken it's toll to the point that I don't have the feelings in me to do what he needs. I think I understand his need for me to 'run to him' as Stig said. I understand his intense need to see a high level of commitment from me. I even understand his desire to see me suffer. I'm just saying that I've had enough....and I don't have anything left to give. At this point, it's almost like neither of us really want the M so there is no one to carry that burden that has to be carried in the beginning of repairing a R. But I see so many reasons to try, that I can't seem to give up. He can't fathom why *he* should have to change because *I* cheated. Again, I understand. It's not fair. But that's the way it is. When I can see that he is trying I soften and it makes me want to keep trying too. But there are still some very serious issues that he refuses to give on even when things are going better between us, like letting me sleep in the bed. I just can't get past that, even when I can see improvement in other areas. I can't live with the idea that I am trying to make things work with a man who can't get any peace unless there is still a measure of punishment for me. The implications of that are huge to me.....why would I want to be with someone like that? If I just cared about saving my M, I understand baby steps. But I care about my integrity too and no baby step can possibly matter enough to negate that issue for me.

I wonder if you could come up with some more concrete goals for yourself in regards to you marriage? I liked what you said about making the guest room more amenable to your needs since that's where you are sleeping. I would caution you not to use it as something to dig at him with, kwim? But rather, more of an "okay, these are the current circumstances, so under these circumstances this is what I can do" sort of thing. In regards to the children, I would encourage you to come up with your own excursion dates. Are there things your children just adore with which you can entice them?


My thoughts are so back and forth right now that it’s hard to focus. I have a counseling session today with MC and I’m hoping she can help me focus. I need to figure out what I want.

As for the kids....I will give it some thought. Our kids are so spoiled, you really have to raise the bar to entice them I have to be careful not to overstep and try to do something that should really be reserved for the family to do together....I mean he and H just do video games. A movie would work good, but we always do movies as a family. I've been thinking about scrap booking and getting doubles for the kids and letting them cut and make their own scrap books out of the pictures.
I'm not very creative...and I have to admit that playing does not come easy to me. I never really 'played' as a child...everything always had to be productive.....instead of 'playing' in the snow, I would shovel the driveway for fun or pack the brick on the house with snow and try to get all the way down the house. I have always been very methodical. I am good at being goofy though, I make my kids laugh, I roll on the floor with them. It's hard for me to sit still on the couch...I miss a lot of good snuggle time, I have to learn to just sit sometimes. I used to play a lot of video games as a kid...I've thought about trying to get involved in them again because that would be a really good bonding thing with S5. I rebelled heavily with the video games at first (the first few months) because I felt strongly that S5 was too young....H started playing video games with him at age 4. But, I had to face it that kids love video games and H wasn't going to back me up on it. I guess I might as well get involved in it too at this point.