I read your post (and backstory) this morning and could really relate. I'm sorry you're going through the same thing as me. WAH and my divorce goes thru in one month. We don't have to meet in a lawyer's office to do it, I've already signed papers with my lawyer, and he'll sign with his lawyer.
Of course you can post on this bb, my understanding is it's for people who are divorced but not done. And judging from your post, you are not done and neither is your H if you were both crying at the signing of the papers and he's still calling you sweetie and baby.
Your confusion is normal. My H and I have it too, but we recently met and agreed that regardless of the divorce going through (we just got a civil marriage, not church), we can still rebuild our relationship. My feeling is a divorce is saying our old way of relating is DEAD, thank goodness and here's to our new way of relating. I'm sure if I marry again it will be in the church.
You did not lose the fight. A divorce is a piece of paper. How do you act around him? I'm a proponent of 'be yourself' theory, since putting on an act seems deceptive and untrue. If you feel like crying, try to get all your crying out before you have to see him, make sure you have avenues, a counsellor or friend, where you can let all that emotion out. Act around him like the old friend that he is, someone with whom you've been thru a lot, someone who seems to have the same confusion on how to proceed as you. Listen to me giving advice. lol I know exactly how you feel. I often wish my husband would hold me, apologize and tell me he's coming back if I'll have him. I got two out of three, last time we met he did apologize and hold me when I cried and told him the consequences of him leaving me has affected my confidence/ego/self-esteem. But he isn't interested in coming back.
I think we need to let go of the dream that our H's can make it all better. They are no different than us, they also are hurting, need encouragement, and guidance. So instead of approaching your H with an antennae up on which words he is using "baby" or "sweetie", why not meet with him and see him for the confused person he is? You be in the drivers seat.
Your last question about how do you know when is the right time to try again is another one I can really relate to. My H says the same thing yours does, it will 'just happen'. Of course this isn't true, nothing 'just happens', least of all two people moving back in together. We make it happen, repairing a marriage takes a lot of work.
One thing I am learning on these boards is that the first step to making it happen is to let go and GAL. Easier said than done. But for me, that means giving my H the space he needs to be in that "it'll just happen" mode, while I develop my life, wether it's exercise, tai chi, or getting out with new friends. The truth is we can't control others, and if they don't want to do the work it takes to re-unite, such as talk, MC, or otherwise, you can't control that. What is your 180? Were you or your husband the pursuer in your relationship? I was the pursuer in mine so for me a 180 means leaving the ball in my H's court.
I know how hard it is to face life alone, to get up every morning and say, this is going to be a good day because...and find things to fill up your life with. It takes constant attention and DOING something before the feeling to do it is there. But you can. You know you can.
I hope you will post on this bb to let me know how you're doing, or are you posting on another one? Take care in Georgia, Luv Demetria
