Just checking in. I have quit my job and am home full time. What an adjustment, what a loss, and what a RELEASE--all at the same time. For the first time since we bought the house, I've seen inside of it by day! And I'm playing with Play-Doh and watching cartoons. It's not that I feel I neglected my kids by working part-time since they were born (we had to have 2 incomes at that time), it's just that a career consumes SO MUCH of a person. I had to FORCE myself to reprioritize.
I wish my h would do the same, but I am treading very very delicately here, trying not to be perceived as making demands. He's a jobaholic. And great, people should be passionate about something--homemaking is really not for men, at least for most of them. So ok, he has this job he loves and is very good at. But it means working many evenings till after the kids are in bed and weekend travel. I am all the time hanging up the phone with him to tell two disappointed children, Daddy won't be home tonight till late but he will see you first thing in the morning...
But I understand that this is his big break, so I am trying to be quiet. (Or at least not get consumed by a slow-brewing resentment.) That's another reason I quit my job: too many conflicts with his. I gave it up willingly, because I had plenty to come home to, but also to get out of the way of his career. (Mine was with an important company and was quite demanding itself.)
How are you? It seems you are busy about the business of rebuilding, and that is as it should be. I'm taking no news to mean good news. We're all here when you are; meanwhile, enjoy the remakings of your marriage!
Am so happy for you. I understand that every moment might not be a breeze and there are adjustments to make, but considering the alternative....
Sorry it's been so long. Sometimes it's tough to return. You are what keeps pulling me back to this forum.
I am so glad you are enjoying being home with the kids. It certainly does make life a lot easier, especially when our H have such busy careers. It is a decision, I am certain, you will never regret. I was always fortunate to be able to be home with the kids. If you remember, I did return to work for about 8 months recently, and wow it was hectic. I certainly have a new appreciation for working Moms who have no choice but to work. Now that I'm home again, I appreciate it so much more.
Things are very well here. Our relationship is growing day by day. The trust is returning, and we are allowing ourselves to be vulnerable with each other again. It's really very nice. We had our anniversary a few weeks ago. H gave me a beautiful ring (I cried), and the most beautiful, romantic card. Believe me, I cherished it more than you can imagine (actually, I know you can imagine). It's really great not taking each other for granted. You really don't sweat the small stuff anymore. If I must admit it, all the pain was worth the relationship we have now. Would I want to go through it again - NEVER!, but the painful journey was worth it.
I'm glad all is going well with you, your H, and your family. Do you ever go out on dates alone together?
Let's keep in touch Sky. I will check probably on average about once every few weeks. Although, I will check in sooner, because I will be so anxious for your reply.
Wow, your update was more than I ever could have hoped for! It sounds like your reconciliation has been all anyone could wish--a growing relationship day by day.
My own was not quite that romantic--I must tell you that my H and I are a couple of tough nuts to crack--but I really think it is because he and I are so much alike. Hard and stubborn and just SURE the other one is more so. How foolish and wasteful.
We have had a major communication breakthrough in that we both admitted we want the same thing: a loving and passionate relationship, as best friends and lovers, with each other exclusively. So we are actively working on ways to achieve that, without hanging on to past hurts. In other words, we are finally ready--almost a year after he moved back!--to admit neediness and vulnerability.
Check in when you can. I will always assume no news means good news. I would like very much to keep track of you and hear how things go. Really, what you are experiencing now is absolutely awe-inspiring. I am happy for you from the bottom of my heart. I felt your pain for so long--and you mine, I know--that it is PURE JOY to hear you so happy!!!!!
P.S. You asked about a couple of other things. We don't very often go out alone, he and I, and that's a mistake. We are so wrapped up in the kids. That's something we are working on, alone time, and putting MARRIAGE ahead of FAMILY, which I believe is the only way to a happy family.
I have not missed work one bit! I enjoyed what I did, for 15 whole years, and had lots of friends. But I have so much more time for my 4 year old, who is immensely fascinating to me, and for my 9 year old too. It really IS a blessing to be able to be home. And you're right: it's really significant when the H has a high-powered, time-consuming career. I figure I've got the rest of my life to work, if I choose (or unless something unforeseen happens).
Of course it's okay to read! That's what we're all here for: each other!
My advice to piecers is LET GO OF THE PAST. Don't hold on to resentment. As much as you can, forgive and forget and move on.
But don't feel you have to swallow present conflicts--it's important to learn how to put issues on the table in way that does not attack the other person and in a way that has both partner's interests at heart. (Swallowed resentment may be one reason you got into trouble in the first place.) You will probably have to read books or see a counselor to learn how to do this.
ACT AS-IF. That is, when your partner is in a bad mood or makes an offhand remark that you find hurtful, sometimes it helps to give the benefit of the doubt and think to yourself, "I'm sure that was not meant to hurt me and I shouldn't take it personally." Act as-if things are going well, and you can often create a chain reaction!
HAVE FUN TOGETHER. Sometimes it's best to stop working on problems and just pretend they don't exist. (Minor ones, I mean. Things like abuse should NEVER be treated lightly.) Having fun puts you both in your best light, helps you recall what you love about each other, and creates positive energy.
By all means, keep reading and talking to others and educating yourself. If having a good marriage simply came naturally, none of us would be on this board!
