Dear Debra, Your title compels me to write, even though I am not an expert. I do sense, though, that you are coming onto him too much. Here are some things which I know are right to do from reading Michele's books, from getting advice on this website, and from talking to the phone counsellor on this website:
First of all, stop talking to him about the relationship. Just stop asking him anything. I think that maybe the more you move towards him the more he is moving away. I was told "if you ask him questions and get him into a corner, he will bolt". I know it is different for you because of the OW, but I wonder if talking about it may be pushing him towards her even more.
I was told "he needs to start guessing". That is, you do your own thing--don't tell him you love him (he knows that)--start doing things which you will enjoy. He needs to look and say "she is intriguing".
I know that a lot of people (professionals and from this website) have told me "he doesn't know what he wants".
They say we need to become very good actresses. I would suggest that if you don't get any response here you try the MLC thread. I had a lot of support there, and because of the time of life for your H, it probably is appropriate.
I'm just pretty sure you will drive him away the more "needy" you are.
The best thing I did was to pay out and talk for an hour to the counsellor from this website. A lot of thoughts fell into place. She helped me a lot. I am not home and clear yet, but my H said a month ago he was definitely leaving and hasn't gone yet.
