Still getting over it!!

[matilda]

Hi, Pfroglady.

Boy, do I know what you mean about having too much time to think. I've been trying to keep buzy as much as possible, and I'm exhausted. But it's working. I haven't brought up anything with H about the A since last week's MC session. That's a record for me!

I know the next couple of days are going to be difficult, but you KNOW you have NOTHING to worry about. It's unfortunate that we are left with these feelings of anxiety in the aftermath of an A, especially when our H's have done everything possible to ease that anxiety. Just human nature, I guess. Once the trust has been broken there will always be a sliver of mistrust left no matter how hard we try to put it aside. Just remember it's not just our burden -- it's our Hs also. They have to deal with their own feelings of not being completely trusted and knowing that they've brought it on themselves.

So, keep yourself busy. Come back here and post if the demons start knocking on your door. Call your H at 2:00 a.m. if you need to. Do whatever you have to do to make yourself comfortable.

I'll be checking in later.

Matilda

p.s. Why don't you accompany him on these outtings. Even if you just sit around the pool and read or go to a mall and shop during the day at least you'd be together in the evenings. Could be fun.

[healedbutscarred]

HEY Matilda! Thanks for the words of comfort. I am actually doing better than I thought I would! Just talked to H a short time ago. He called to tell me that he was there safe and sound and that he and the guy who rode down with him and several other guys had done the "happy hour thing" and had dinner. They were in their room and fixing to play cards and get drunk !! They do a lot of that on these trips !! This is their BIG Spring trip. NO WIVES/WOMEN ALLOWED!! It is big tournament. They have guys come in from several states and there are even several guys that are retired and are living out of the country and fly in just for this tournament !! They do love their golf!! I would not feel comfortable going to this particular golf trip. The smaller ones,yes. I am happy to see that the "little" trips he took when he was seeing his WH**E have stopped. Some of the guys he met years and years ago when he first started going on this outing live where she does. So he was setting up games with them and then using that as an excuse to see her. They have asked him why he doesn't come back down and play anymore. I don't know what he tells them but he doesn't go anymore !! Don't think I'm going to have a hard time sleeping like I thought I would. Had to go to the doctor today because I was having some trouble with my shoulder and arm (it didn't stop me from having LOTS & LOTS of FUN with H these past few days before he left !!). Dr. says I have strained muscles in my shoulder and gave me some muscle relaxers and pain medicine. I only take 1 of each a day and I have to take them before bed because they can make you drowsey. I think they are working because I am setting here now and getting a little "light in the head" !! Anyway,hope they do help me sleep and then I can get through the nights without thinking too much!! I really did good today but it was a full day. He left at 10:45 and then my friend picked me up at 11:30. I didn't get home until 4:40 and by the time I got a few things done,talked on the phone to my sons and my dad and had dinner my H called. Now if the rest of the week goes by that fast I will be a happy woman!! Thanks for keeping me in your thoughts. I am sure I will be popping in over the next few days -especially if the unwanted,nasty thoughts start to come out!!
Pfroglady

[matilda]

Pfroglady:

LOVE those muscle relaxers, and anything else that makes you drowsy. I ran the gammet during those first couple months post bomb.

I'm so happy to hear you're handling this trip well. I'll bet as time goes on it'll get easier and easier. Right now I'll bet your major problem is just missing your H. Sounds like you guys have become really, really close. Like I've said before, you're my inspiration in the tricky art of forgiveness.

It's funny, for 14 years of our M H travelled a lot. For probably 10 of those years he'd be out of town for at least 3 days every week. He states he was faithful to me all that time. I believe him. Why not? He's bared his sole to me. As he said, "Why would I lie now?" At just about the time of the bomb, his job changed and he hasn't been away overnight once! A couple of weeks after the bomb he was supposed to go to a charity golf tournament. He cancelled without a word from me. That was pretty tough for him to do cuz it was business related. But the OW would've been there and he wasn't having any part of it. Then in January he was supposed to be away overnight, but was able to arrange to come home.

So, I think God must have been looking out for us. I think he was saying to my H, okay, it's time you confess to wifey, repent, and I'm gonna make sure you're around to make things more comfortable for her .

Of course, not that it would make a whole lot of difference cuz the OW only lives 1.5 hrs from here and he made the drive several times. But it was the convenience of being away from home that made it easier for him, made him feel less guilty, I think.
It makes things easier for me, I guess, when I think of all my H has lost as a result of his A. He lost his dignity, respect for himself. He lost the picture he had of himself in his mind as to what kind of a man/husband he was. He lost the job he loved and valued so much (not because of the A, but I'm certain God had a hand it that and H thinks so, too). And then, of course, he thinks he's lost my trust, respect, love. Not completely true (lost some trust, yes). It's not that I'm gloating or feel good about it. It makes me feel compassion for him. It makes me want to comfort him. It helps to nurture my love for him.

I'd like to concentrate on OR now, but I'm not sure I should even bring that up right now. I think he needs to see I'm "getting over it" so he can start forgiving himself before he'll really be open to an OR talk. We do talk some at the MC, but I think he holds back a little there. He has a hard time verbalizing his emotions privately to me let alone in front of another person, and a man to boot!

Well, I really feel like I'm getting a handle on forgiving H. Yeah, the A still pops into my mind and I can feel myself spiraling downward, but it's getting so much easier to put it aside. I've adopted Lily's "Living in the Moment" attitude, along with Scarlet O'Hara's "I'll think about it tomorrow." The combination of the two are working quite well.

Hey, I think that's the title of my new thread "I'll think about it tomorrow"

So look for me there from now on. This thread is getting too long.

Sleep well, my friend. Make your last conscious thought a loving thought of your H, as I'm sure your H will be having a loving thought of his wifey before drifting off.

Matilda