Hi, All.

Well, I guess I'll have to start a new thread soon, but I don't know what to call it yet so I'll continue here for the time-being.

My so-called D-day Friday night went amazingly well. We spent the evening with out best friends so I really didn't have a chance to think about things at all. Later at home we had quite a night of passion [Big Grin] . I'm talking close to 3 hours, folks. And then again in the morning! So, I really didn't have much time (or energy) to think about what happened a year ago. I wonder if H remembered and was trying to keep my mind off it. I kinda doubt it. He really isn't good about remembering things that aren't important to him or he doesn't want to think about. I didn't bring up the subject at all, not that night or all weekend. I didn't even want to.

Mother's Day was very nice. H made me breakfast and then spent hours making enchiladas for dinner. H got me a couple things from Victoria's Secret and my favorite candy. My kids made their cards for me and #2 son made a gift for me out of a collection of pictures of me and all the kids put together in a picture frame. I cried when I received that gift. So many wonderful memories of such happy times. #3 son was telling me what a great family we have. He and his brothers are getting a long so well. Mom and Dad never fight. Everyone is so happy! Boy, did I cry then. Gave me more resolve than ever to "get over it".

We relaxed out by the pool for a couple hours in the afternoon. Then in-laws came for dinner. #1 son showed up for dinner and brought me flowers and a card. We started to watch part of a movie H wanted to show in-laws. H was sitting on the couch and I sat on the floor leaning up against his legs. He played with my hair the whole time. After in-laws left we took a long walk. When we went up to bed I had music playing and asked H to dance with me. He HATES to dance, but he did it for me.

When we went to bed, I looked him in the eyes and told him how much I appreciated all the work he'd gone through to make MD special. He stated that he really hadn't done all that much, nothing more than he's usually done. I said that that was true. He's always done his best to make special days wonderful for me, and that I just wanted him to know how much I appreciated it. He was very uncomfortable with this exchange. He said again that it really wasn't much, and then he mumbled something which I didn't understand and said, "I really don't want to go there." I'm pretty sure he was thinking about all the pain he's caused me and that nothing he does seems to be enough - at least in his eyes.

So I had a wonderful MD. So why am I feeling so sad? What is the "thing" between us that is making me question everything. Is it my imagination? Why is there a little voice inside me asking if I'm staying with HIM for convenience? (Lily, like I said in your tread, all the material stuff is a part of the equation). Because every time I think about his past actions, my first thought is, am I nuts for staying with a man who could do those things? Sure, he says he loves me, but is that enough? And, then, of course I question whether he really loves me or not. I've drilled him about it -- tried to get him to the breaking point where if he really didn't he'd finally say it. But he's always come back with, "I have no doubts about loving you. I do love you." I'm the one doubts.

Funny thing. H left for work this morning without kissing me good-bye. Hasn't done that in a very long time. My feelings were hurt. He called when he got to the office (I told him last week he didn't need to check in with me anymore). I told him he hadn't kissed me good-bye. He said, "Yes, I did. You were standing right there by the little table and I was getting my stuff together." Didn't happen, folks. But he thought it did! I didn't argue with him. At least I know he really thought he had and it wasn't done on purpose. He was really distracted, had taken a conference call here at home before leaving for work. He hates his job. He woke up with a "nervous" stomach. So it's okay, at least he believed he'd kissed me good-bye!!

See I make way too much out of the little things. Maybe it's just my imagination that I think there is something "off" between us. I've got to stop thinking so much and just enjoy all the good things in my life. Trying. Really trying.

Matilda