Andy,

I was gonna make a crack about being "on top", but then thought better of it [Big Grin] .

I've always understood that love is an evolution and changes over the course of time. I only wish my H would have realized this sooner. Over the years we've had discussions where he'd say he felt exactly the same way about me now as he did in the beginning. I would tell him my love had changed to a much deeper, profound, lasting love. His perception of this was that I didn't find him attractive anymore, didn't desire him. My perception of what he told me was that he either wasn't telling me the truth or he was confusing sexual desire with love. I think he finally gets it. MC told him a while back that he was very immature in the way he thought about love and that he's finally grown up and realized what love really is. H agreed with that.

Sometimes I still think H is keeping me at arm's length. I can't really explain why. It's just a feeling. That really bugs me cuz I still think he should be trying to woo me back. I know he's really stressed at work. He hates this new job with all his being. I think maybe he's slightly depressed cuz of work and marriage problems. He won't admit it. MC told him the same thing a couple of months ago. He was depressed a few years back, got help, took medication. He says what he is feeling now is nothing like that. Well, I think the causes of one's depression can make a difference is how the depression manifests itself - right or wrong?

Today is another D day for me. I know what happened a year ago tonight. Wish I could get that out of my head. I'm gonna try with all my mite to not say a word about it to H, though. We'll see how that goes.

Montana,

I wanted to congratulate you on how you handled yourself last weekend. Doesn't that also say something with regard to how you feel about your wife? You know that having an A or even a ONS is not the answer. You won't feel one bit better about yourself afterwards -- probably a whole lot worse. I can't say I haven't had those same thoughts myself. And I know my H would forgive me, too. He's already told me that. He says he'd just figure it was what he deserved. Well, maybe. But, you know what, it's not what I deserve. I have much more respect for myself than that. And if I did something like that, I just couldn't stand to look at my H knowing all the horrible things he was probably thinking. Which is exactly what my H is going through now. Nope. I'm not gonna put myself through that. I've seen first hand how destructive it is to the person doing the cheating.

I was shopping today and ran into a man I met at the gym last year. We became "gym friends" and I knew he wanted to take things a little further. I always kept my distance. Never even accepted an invitation for coffee after working out. Well, we chatted for a couple of minutes today and again he asked if I'd like to get coffee with him. I declined. Quite honestly, I find this man attractive and I feel that I'm in a very vulnerable state of mind right now so best to just stay away. I plan to tell my H about this later. He knows about us working out together in the past and that the guy was interested in me. I want him to know what happened today because we've agreed to be totally honest with each other in that department from now on. I think if we don't keep those kind of secrets they won't develop into fantacies that could later develop into more. I think of it as protecting one another.

I have also had a problem with holding grudges in the past. It's very hard for me to let go of anger and resentment. One thing the years have taught me is that I've only hurt myself by hanging onto old grudges. For me it's a daily struggle to teach myself to "let it go," but the more I try the easier it seems to get.

I know this probably sounds stupid and trite to everyone, but last night we watched E.R. -- saying goodbye to Dr. Greene. At then end when he died I found myself wondering what I'd want to say to my H if he lay dying. The first thing that popped into my head was I'd want to tell him I'd forgiven him. That I loved him very much, and that for the greatest part of our married lives he had made me very happy; he was a good husband and a great father. So now I'm thinking, why should I want until he's on his death bed? I'd like him to know that now. I'd like to tell him all those things, but for some reason I don't think he's ready to hear it right now. I don't think he'd believe me right now.

It's so odd to think that I'm the one that feels the need to tread lightly with him. I'm the one that needs to prove to him he's worth having. Shouldn't he be trying to prove to ME that he's worth having? Day before last he called me twice on the way into work. Then he didn't call when he actually arrived there. He's been calling me when he arrives at work, when he leaves for lunch, when he returns from lunch, in the middle of the afternoon, and as he leaves the office to come home. He's been doing this for 7.5 months now. I never asked him do do that. He didn't read it in DR or DB. He started doing it immediately upon telling me of the A because he knew instinctively that that was what he needed to do. The reason was because the OW only lives 1.5 hour drive from here and he made that trip several times over the course of the A. So now he wants me to know exactly where he is at all times.

Well, 2 days ago he didn't call to let me know he'd gotten to the office, but he did call when he was leaving for lunch. I said, "Hey, are you just getting into the office?" "No. Sorry, I forgot to call." "That's okay. No problem." Yesterday he told me it makes him feel like he's in jail to have to "check in" all the time. I told him I had just been teasing him the day before. After all, all I had to do was pick up the phone and call him at the office. If he wasn't there, then that would be a problem. But if he tells me he's going to be in the office, I trust him enough now to believe that. He's been doing this now for so long that I've just gotten used to it and it's nice to hear he's made it in okay and just have another chance to touch base with him. I don't want him to feel like he has to check in as an obligation. If he calls me now when he arrives at work, I'd like him to think of it as a loving gesture. That kinda made him hem and haw. [Wink] Then he thanked me for starting to trust him again. I told him I knew he wanted to be the man I always thought he was, and he said, "Yes, I do." Good enough for me -- for now.

I hope everyone has a good weekend.

Mattie