Hope you enjoyed your bike ride. You are right about the reason it hurts so bad. Ive often told my W this. If I didnt love you like I did, then it wouldnt be as painful. She understands. As you can tell by her letter she can come down pretty hard on herself, just like your husband. She knows that she made a huge mistake, but there is no changing the past. Too bad huh? I do try to trick my brain into thinking in ways like you mentioned. Sometimes it helps, other times it dont.
By reading through all the situations in here I do know that there isnt an overnight remedy to fix everything. I think where Im having the most trouble is forgiving myself for letting the atmosphere develop for something like this to happen. Looking back, I know that I wasnt there for her like I should've been. After keeping the baby all day and working all night, once the weekend hit I was usually out doing my thing. I felt trapped in that house also, only I didnt take her feelings into consideration . Big damn price to pay isn't it? I know that until I forgive myself first, forgiving her is out of the question. For me, this IS the most difficult part of the process. I am partially to blame, although I cant make myself admit it, or dont want to.
You know you just hate the idea that your M isnt as perfect as you would like. Sure, I know everyone has troubles, but I feel as if I could handle any kind of trouble that arises, any trouble but this. I've heard that all M's that are truly fulfilling & rewarding have to survive some type of crisis. We have been together 12 yrs, and married almost 7. I would say the worst part is behind us. We have done a lot of growing up together over time. I try to think of it as we are young, both around 30, and have the rest of our lives to be happy with one another. I know the days to come will never again bring this much heartache in our lives. It is somewhat comforting to know. I just wish I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I try to picture us 5-10 years down the road after years of happiness and ask myself will something that happened 15 years ago really matter to me then? I would hope that it wouldnt, but whose to say for sure. I am very bad about holding grudges and living in the past. The two feelings of anger and resentment you spoke of carry a great deal of weight in my heart. I told her that I have to fix myself first in order for this M to move forward. She says she will wait for me as long as it takes. I believe her. She is that committed to our M. I must learn to look towards the future and live in the present, for living in the past has gotten me nowhere but continued heartache. A pain that Im tired of feeling.
