Well to let you know I havent/didnt totally lose it over the D-Day weekend I thought I'd give you an update. Yes, it was rough, and some personal demons had to be faced. I actually went to the same place they met that night for the 1st time outside of work and hooked up. I did a lot of cussing under my breath while hanging out with a few buddies. We then proceeded to go bar-hopping, something I grew out of a long time ago, and I kinda got a glimpse of what its like out there. I met quite a few divorced people while hanging out. Damn shame its so much of that happening in our society nowadays. I probably ran into 3 females recently divorced, 2 or 3 males in the same situation and who knows how many others there in the same predicament. I guess I have really grew passed that scene for although I did somewhat enjoy myself, it was far from being a total blast. Imagine that. [Razz] Anyways, I was a good boy, for as you probably know by 3:00 in the morning after drinking all night people tend to start "looking", if you know what I mean. The chance was there to go and sober up with a coule of females at a friend's house, but I opted to just follow her home. She did accept that, and seemed somewhat pleased I wasnt just out to score like most other guys there.

This decision I made though told me a lot about myself and the person I am now. I asked myself these questions. Although I feel like I somewhat have the right to do something of this nature, and I even have her unbiased forgiveness waiting on me in the future, what will it solve? What will it accomplish? I couldnt answer either of one of em, even though earlier in the night I was mad as a hornet at her and was almost determined to act out. I dont know, and I still havent figured out why I refrained from doing so. I know it was hard for her to watch me go out clubbing, with a bachelor friend on top of that, but she did, and wrote me quite a nice letter while I was gone. She is either truly committed to our M, truly a very strong lady, or both. For she handled the situation gracefully, and even told me she had faith in my actions. Grrrrrr. Makes me mad she thought this way. Maybe she knows me better than I know myself. But thankfully the weekend is over and one of the demons I felt like I had to face I faced it.

I have read Matilda where you actually confronted the OW. Oh how I would like to do the same. Ive asked her to help me in this quest, but she refuses and says it's against God's will to do things of that nature. Maybe it is. I would just like to see what she potentially threw our M for away thats all. Understand what Im saying? She has told me that I couldnt even begin to compare myself to this guy, we're not even in the same league. Maybe it was just an escape from reality and her problems if that really is the case. For I've quietly checked around on him, and from what Ive heard he isnt worth the time of day. I dont know if I could be as calm as you were though in your confrontation, and I think she knows this as well. It would most likely lead to violence, this is why she is so dead set against it. I told her considering the sacrifices she has asked me to make, she could at least do this one thing for me. She says she is afraid that if I seen him, and the mental pictures got worse than what they already are, then I wouldnt make it. I am surprised that you actually went through with what you did, and somewhat curious if you regret having done so now? Deep down inside I really dont know if I need to see this person or not.

But this leads me to my last point. We have discovered that we have been married living single for quite a time, possibly the entire marriage. We have grown apart over the years, and sadly to say fallen out of love also. I do read a great deal of posts in here and I have to say that Im totally amazed how some people are so eager to accept the spouses back after having been gone for 6-12 months and invloved with someone else. I constantly ask myself....How? How is this possible? How can someone be so enthusiastic about the return of their significant other home, and welcome them with open arms? The ONLY answer I can come up with is.......Love. It has to be unconditional love for that to happen. What else couldt be? At the same time this worries me also. Most people in here would die to be in my situation, and here I am not able to handle something that occurred 6 years ago. I guess it goes back to having fallen out of love. I do care for her, but Id have to say being in love, especially now, is not in the equation. I am thankful she is willing to do almost anything to keep us together, but it really doesnt mean a great deal to me. Maybe thats why Im not so eager to let go of the past, and keep re-living it. Maybe thats also the reason I want to see this other person. I do think Im looking for the nail in the coffin. I feel like if I have to start over I need to do so now while Im still half-way young (30) and Im not getting any younger. Maybe I'll never find that nail, maybe I will. I am still taking it day by day, remembering the fact that you said it does get easier with time, and at the same time giving her a chance to make this work.

Again, thanks for being my ear Matilda, for I know that you will take the time to read this. And, believe it or not, I do think about you and your progress quite often. It does give me comfort to know that considering all that you've been through in life you are still there. For I feel that you probaly have more reasons to give up on men in general than most anyone else. Keep being strong in your quest for a happily repaired M, I only wish the best for you.

Montana