Isn't it funny how it seems to come and go in waves? Like I've said before, most of the time I'm fine and everything is going good-we are into "our lives" again, sort of how PfrogL explains it-we're just living...but then I 'step into the casino' (to coin PfrogL's analogy) and I'm right back to day one again.
Those darn triggers. I was watching a movie (My dog Skip) the other night-very late-I was supposed to be studying for a final...anyway, I've seen it before and gotten thru the sad part in the vets office, but this time I was a wreck. I started bawling-it was one of those from way deep within your soul kinds of cry. There wasn't one particular 'thing' wrong that I was crying about although I did feel an overwhelming sense of loss. I know completely what you mean about the loss you feel. It's exactly like what you said about how you know there is something you had, and now you don't. I don't know if it'll ever be the same.....
I wonder if this means I have not totally forgiven him? Perhaps, because I know I still harbor a great deal of resentment towards him. I doubt it'll ever be resolved-it's back to the whole resolution thing. I have learned to live with the fact that I will never have it to the level I desire. I am just too analytical to accept his "I don't know why I had an A" answer. The logical part of me knows that he probably doesn't know-but I betcha he has a dam good idea-at least a hint...and I also betcha he is once again trying to save my feelings and his butt (that's why he lied to me about A for almost a year). And it is unfortunate but I do not trust him implicitly-like I did before A...I don't think I ever will again. How sad.
Oh man I can feel the bitter creeping back in....I can't let it-I still have a bunch of stuff to tighten up 'round here and it's looking like I'm gonna have to work tomorrow too....yuck!
By the way, Montana, thanks for keeping up on my thread. Please let me know how things are going with you. I've been wondering how you're doing and how you'r managing.
Thanks for the scripture. I like it very much. I think I'm going read it to H tonight.
Glad you liked the scripture. We attended the Retrouvaille weekend and it is beneficial to anyone who has trouble communicating their thoughts/feelings with their spouse. I posted a little more about in my thread for anyone that is intersted in what it has to offer.
Unfortunatley this is my D-Day. 6 years ago to this very day I went out of town with our baby to show him off to some close frends. The W and the s.o.b met at a party for the Mexican Holiday, and things took off from there. They worked together so Im sure it was common knowledge I would be out of town for a few days. The thought of it starts my blood boiling. Im still doing somewhat ok, but things are looking kinda bleak. I know its still early in this recovery, and alot of people in the forums would like to be in my place, but that really doesnt help me too much. The W made the mistake of letting that guy come over to the house about 2 times, and you can guess what happened. All this 20 feet away from the room my baby was sleeping in. She also let that s.o.b play with and hold my son. The very idea of them rocking him to sleep so they could be together is something Im not handling very well at all. While the whole A is bad enough, I cant digest the notion of her letting this come into our house. Luckily we dont live there anymore, but its still the same. I totally hit rock bottom when this consumes me. Such a shame too. She isnt the same person, nor am I, but its a part of the past Ive yet to let go of, and dont know if I ever will. I cant believe she sacrificed the well-being of our son, the chance for him to grow up in a family instead of a broken home, just b/c she was lonely. I worked nights so he wouldnt have to be placed in daycare, and watched him from 6:00 a.m. till she got home at 3:00 to take over then worked till midnight, and started the whole routine over again the next day. I did something most fathers I knew at the time wouldnt even consider. Most of them had their children in daycare, but not me. And look where it got me. I dont ever regret having watched him like so for the first 3 years of his life, for I cherish the memories of changing diapers, feeding him, etc. I just cant stomach the notion she didnt see or appreciate what I was doing, then turned around and took full advantage of me working nights and let an 8 month long A develop, just b/c she was lonely and wanted attention. Like it wasnt hard on me, or I wasnt lonely during the day. Piss on her. Damn this makes me so furious. On top of that the 15-20 times they met guess who watched him? My mother. How she could look her in the eyes(a wonderful lday my mother is), drop him off and come pick him back up without feeling the least bit of remorse is totally beyond me. I know I dont sound too positive here and Im sorry for posting this in your thread, but the anniversary date just brings out the worse in me.
I supposedly will be moving to another city about 4 hours away at the first of the year for a new job. I have promised myself that I will give it to then to see if it will work out. Im not as optimistic as she is, even after the Retrouvaille weekend. I guess that since Im only 30, and Ive read where men arent afraid of starting over as much as women, the idea of doing so doesnt really bother me. Other than not being there every day for my child. I didnt do anything wrong here and now I stand the chance of not being an every day father for her lack of judgement. She has said she wouldnt fight me over the kid, but he has grown too attached to her over time, and of course he doesnt remember the hours I spent taking care of him as a baby. This pains my heart to no end, for I wouldnt take him away from her, Im not that cold-hearted. I will be going to day shift in about a week, so Ill have more time to spend with him and her. Who knows, maybe things will get better. Ive not been in a good mood though at all today. Her and the son are going to her mom's tonight for a b-day for her nephew. I called her at work and asked her to stay the night over there, for I dont believe I'll be in a very good mood when I get home tonight. She was surprised in a way, but I thought it to be for the best. I dont feel like going off on her and watching her cry tonight, but I have been having problems controlling my anger here of late, and Im afraid it might get the best of me tonight.
Ive told her she needs to find someone who will love her for who she has become, not who she was. She will have no part of it. I sometimes wish she would just let me go.
Im terribly sorry for posting such a dreary response on your thread. I meant to get on mine and do so but I got carried away it seems. Maybe I'll have something more positive to say after the D-Day weekend is over. Maybe I should go back and read the scripture I left for you .
HI! I realize that there are going to things that "trigger" rememberances of the A. There was a time when movies,books,articles,etc.,etc. would trigger unwanted memories. Those things don't bother me much at all anymore. Now that I am not as sensitive I find some of the articles interesting. The "triggers" are another thing that get better with time. Last year I helped my H pack for his trip and I put him a love note in his bag for everyday he was going to be gone. He called me the first night and read the note while talking to me. Then he called me several times before I left for my trip. I have already started getting cards and things ready to pack this year. He told me that it made him feel good to open each and every card /letter. He even brags to the other guys about it (they tease him but he says they are just jealous!). I've thought some more about what is bugging me about this trip.I mentioned this to my H when we had our last talk. I am afraid that he will be feeling like everything is so good with us and he is so happy now and he can't be tempted. Then he will decide to go along with any of the guys that want to go out to a club (the one where he met the B is really the best one around even though there are others). I am afraid that if they go to this particular place and the B is there,she will try to talk,have a drink and a dance with him and he won't "see the harm". I figure he'll be thinking that I'll never find out and he'll be feeling like he knows he can remain faithful and there would be nothing harmful in just talking to her or having a dance or a drink. When I told him this fear he told me that he really didn't know what else he could do or say to take away that fear other than promising that he would not go anywhere she might possibly be. I do know that is all he can do and it is up to me to rid my mind of this fear. I know I am sounding paranoid!! My H says I am good at making up things that "could" happen. Anyway,I am working on that and I may need some "hand holding" Tuesday the 14th around about 11:00 A.M.!! I am going to try and stay as busy as I can during the day and wear myself out so I can sleep at night !! The busier I am the less "thinking" I'll be doing !! Maybe that's the trick!! Thanks for the thoughts and the help! All prayers are greatly appreciated!!!! Pfroglady
Well to let you know I havent/didnt totally lose it over the D-Day weekend I thought I'd give you an update. Yes, it was rough, and some personal demons had to be faced. I actually went to the same place they met that night for the 1st time outside of work and hooked up. I did a lot of cussing under my breath while hanging out with a few buddies. We then proceeded to go bar-hopping, something I grew out of a long time ago, and I kinda got a glimpse of what its like out there. I met quite a few divorced people while hanging out. Damn shame its so much of that happening in our society nowadays. I probably ran into 3 females recently divorced, 2 or 3 males in the same situation and who knows how many others there in the same predicament. I guess I have really grew passed that scene for although I did somewhat enjoy myself, it was far from being a total blast. Imagine that. Anyways, I was a good boy, for as you probably know by 3:00 in the morning after drinking all night people tend to start "looking", if you know what I mean. The chance was there to go and sober up with a coule of females at a friend's house, but I opted to just follow her home. She did accept that, and seemed somewhat pleased I wasnt just out to score like most other guys there.
This decision I made though told me a lot about myself and the person I am now. I asked myself these questions. Although I feel like I somewhat have the right to do something of this nature, and I even have her unbiased forgiveness waiting on me in the future, what will it solve? What will it accomplish? I couldnt answer either of one of em, even though earlier in the night I was mad as a hornet at her and was almost determined to act out. I dont know, and I still havent figured out why I refrained from doing so. I know it was hard for her to watch me go out clubbing, with a bachelor friend on top of that, but she did, and wrote me quite a nice letter while I was gone. She is either truly committed to our M, truly a very strong lady, or both. For she handled the situation gracefully, and even told me she had faith in my actions. Grrrrrr. Makes me mad she thought this way. Maybe she knows me better than I know myself. But thankfully the weekend is over and one of the demons I felt like I had to face I faced it.
I have read Matilda where you actually confronted the OW. Oh how I would like to do the same. Ive asked her to help me in this quest, but she refuses and says it's against God's will to do things of that nature. Maybe it is. I would just like to see what she potentially threw our M for away thats all. Understand what Im saying? She has told me that I couldnt even begin to compare myself to this guy, we're not even in the same league. Maybe it was just an escape from reality and her problems if that really is the case. For I've quietly checked around on him, and from what Ive heard he isnt worth the time of day. I dont know if I could be as calm as you were though in your confrontation, and I think she knows this as well. It would most likely lead to violence, this is why she is so dead set against it. I told her considering the sacrifices she has asked me to make, she could at least do this one thing for me. She says she is afraid that if I seen him, and the mental pictures got worse than what they already are, then I wouldnt make it. I am surprised that you actually went through with what you did, and somewhat curious if you regret having done so now? Deep down inside I really dont know if I need to see this person or not.
But this leads me to my last point. We have discovered that we have been married living single for quite a time, possibly the entire marriage. We have grown apart over the years, and sadly to say fallen out of love also. I do read a great deal of posts in here and I have to say that Im totally amazed how some people are so eager to accept the spouses back after having been gone for 6-12 months and invloved with someone else. I constantly ask myself....How? How is this possible? How can someone be so enthusiastic about the return of their significant other home, and welcome them with open arms? The ONLY answer I can come up with is.......Love. It has to be unconditional love for that to happen. What else couldt be? At the same time this worries me also. Most people in here would die to be in my situation, and here I am not able to handle something that occurred 6 years ago. I guess it goes back to having fallen out of love. I do care for her, but Id have to say being in love, especially now, is not in the equation. I am thankful she is willing to do almost anything to keep us together, but it really doesnt mean a great deal to me. Maybe thats why Im not so eager to let go of the past, and keep re-living it. Maybe thats also the reason I want to see this other person. I do think Im looking for the nail in the coffin. I feel like if I have to start over I need to do so now while Im still half-way young (30) and Im not getting any younger. Maybe I'll never find that nail, maybe I will. I am still taking it day by day, remembering the fact that you said it does get easier with time, and at the same time giving her a chance to make this work.
Again, thanks for being my ear Matilda, for I know that you will take the time to read this. And, believe it or not, I do think about you and your progress quite often. It does give me comfort to know that considering all that you've been through in life you are still there. For I feel that you probaly have more reasons to give up on men in general than most anyone else. Keep being strong in your quest for a happily repaired M, I only wish the best for you.
MONTANA, I would like to comment on your post. Yes,I forgave my H for having an A. Why? The unconditional love you mentioned! When I took my wedding vows I promised to love him for better or worse,through the good times and the bad times. An A is deffinately the worst!! I had always told him that an A was something that I could never forgive or live with. But I discovered for myself and showed him just how deep my love for him went. I knew in my heart that the A didn't change the fact that I loved this man and I loved him enough to forgive and work out what had gone wrong with us. I was fortunate in that he never wanted to leave me for this OW. He told me that he didn't love her and really had no feelings for her. If he had,I know he is the kind of man who would have left me. He had reached a point where he was very unhappy,stressed out and felt that I no longer cared about him or what he did. He says that is no excuse for what he did and there is never an excuse for an A. He had just reached the point where he had no feelings for himself much less anyone or anything else. We have discussed what when wrong with us and neither of us can pin point when or why things got as bad as they did. We had always felt we had something special and we had always had a lot of love for each other. Somehow,someway we got "lost". We stopped communicating and we began drifing apart and felt helpless as to how to stop what was happening. After the A ended we had several talks and we both made immediate changes in the way we treated each other and once again started doing the little things for each other that we used to do. We both knew that the love was still there beneath the unhappiness and that is why we were able to find our way back to each other. I must say that I think you must be a special man for turning away from the temptations that faced you when you went out drinking with your buddies!! There are so many men out there who would have taken advantage of the situation and told himself that it was OK to give in because he had been hurt before by his spouse. You were strong and you resisted temptation and you should be proud of yourself!! Your W is a lucky woman and I hope she realizes what she has in you. I want to tell you that I have you in my thoughts and prayers and I wish the best for you!! pfroglady
OOPS forgot I wanted to comment on something else Montana.... I too admire Matilda for comfronting the OW. I think that she did the right thing for her and I think she is a strong and teriffic lady!! I too have felt the desire to confront the OW. We have been to the club where my H met her (and where she hangs out)3 times while we were on vacation. I saw a picture of her so I knew what to look for. It did help that she was just a plain,ordinary woman who was only 5 years yonger than me. I had imagined all kinds of things that I would say to her. However,it wasn't in the cards for us to meet face to face. I did call her once last year but she wouldn't talk to me. She deleted my emails or forwarded them to my H (not knowing that I had already told him about emailing her). After my H broke off all contact with her,she changed her email address but I still have her home address,work address and all her phone numbers. Anyway, I have thought about it and I really believe that God knows what is best for me and He must know that meeting her face to face is not what I really need (at least not right now). I can accept that. I feel that as many times as we were in the town where she lives and as often as we were at her "hangout",we would have run into her had it been "meant to be". I still think every now and then about getting in touch with her but that feeling is fading away as time goes by. She just isn't important and she doesn't have the powere to hurt me and I refuse to allow the thought of her spoil my happiness anymore!!
I feel like Im intruding on Matilda's thread, so Im posting a link to my own. Matilda has her own problems to deal with and dont need me taking up anymore space on here than what I already have.
Thanks for taking the time to reply, it means so much and helps so greatly you probably couldnt believe the benefits I get from hearing from all of you.
I don't have much time to post today. I've got a ton of work and H and I have appt with MC this afternoon. However, I wanted you to know I've read you post and I will reply when I get more time.
One thing I really wanted to say right away is that I have never regretted one moment of my confrontation with the OW. Oh, maybe the only thing that I regretted is that I forgot a lot of the things I wanted to ask or say, but as to the confrontation -- NOT ONE MOMENT OF REGRET! For me, that was my shinning moment. Just think of it -- I was standing on her front porch!! She had no where to run or hide. She must have know my H gave me her address and it must have infuriated her to think he didn't care enough about her to protect her from me .
I think your sitch might be quite different if you think you might not be able to control yourself. That idiot is certainly not worth your being thrown in jail for.
Gotta go for now. I'll be back later.
Matilda
P.S. You're not intruding on my thread - glad to have you here.
I'm sorry it's taken me so long to reply to your post. The phone company has been working on or lines for the last two days, which meant the DSL was down.
I want you to know that everything you're feeling right now I've felt at times myself. If you've read my entire thread you'll see that I've questioned my love for my H. I think that is only natural considering the pain he's caused me. But I want you to ask yourself, do you think you'd be feeling the pain you're feeling if you didn't love your W? It may not be the same love as when you were first married, but that's because it's a more mature love. And the thing is, if there was love before, I really believe there can be love again. But it does take work and it does take time.
I must say I'm right there with you in the anger department. I can really get myself worked up sometimes. I have an excuse, though, they're called hormones . But seriously, I do think when those nasty hormones kick in my anger can get out of control and everything seems really bleak. Then they go away and things seem more manageable. I know this is not a help to you -- no hormones to deal with. But anger and resentment are two emotions that will surely be the death of both of our M's if we don't get them under control.
You say your W is completely different than she was 6 years ago? Then maybe you should try thinking that your marriage is just starting now and the events of 6 years ago happened with an old girlfriend who is out of your life now. I know -- kinda hard to do. But really what I'm getting at is any little trick or game you can play with your mind like that might help. From the letter you posted that your W wrote you she sounds sincerely regrettful of the pain she's caused you -- and herself. Don't forget, she has to live with what she's done, too. She probably has a pretty slimy image of herself doing the things she did with the OM and almost destroying her marriage. She has her own demons to deal with.
Well, shoot. H wants to go for a ride on the hog. I'll be back.
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(they tease him but he says they are just jealous!). I've thought some more about what is bugging me about this trip.I mentioned this to my H when we had our last talk. I am afraid that he will be feeling like everything is so good with us and he is so happy now and he can't be tempted. Then he will decide to go along with any of the guys that want to go out to a club (the one where he met the B is really the best one around even though there are others). I am afraid that if they go to this particular place and the B is there,she will try to talk,have a drink and a dance with him and he won't "see the harm". I figure he'll be thinking that I'll never find out and he'll be feeling like he knows he can remain faithful and there would be nothing harmful in just talking to her or having a dance or a drink. When I told him this fear he told me that he really didn't know what else he could do or say to take away that fear other than promising that he would not go anywhere she might possibly be. I do know that is all he can do and it is up to me to rid my mind of this fear. I know I am sounding paranoid!! My H says I am good at making up things that "could" happen. Anyway,I am working on that and I may need some "hand holding" Tuesday the 14th around about 11:00 A.M.!! I am going to try and stay as busy as I can during the day and wear myself out so I can sleep at night ![[Razz]](images/icons/tongue.gif){kind=icon}
Anyways, I was a good boy, for as you probably know by 3:00 in the morning after drinking all night people tend to start "looking", if you know what I mean. The chance was there to go and sober up with a coule of females at a friend's house, but I opted to just follow her home. She did accept that, and seemed somewhat pleased I wasnt just out to score like most other guys there. ![[Big Grin]](images/icons/grin.gif){kind=icon}
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. But seriously, I do think when those nasty hormones kick in my anger can get out of control and everything seems really bleak. Then they go away and things seem more manageable. I know this is not a help to you -- no hormones to deal with. But anger and resentment are two emotions that will surely be the death of both of our M's if we don't get them under control.