Still getting over it!!

[matilda]

Well, there you are , Pfroglady. I've missed you. Thought you didn't love me anymore

It's so good to hear that things continue to go well with you. I can practically "hear" the happiness in your post.

As for the trust issue, I kinda touched on that in my reply above to Me2. Unfortunately, I don't think we can ever attain the level of trust for our H's that they once enjoyed. I do think that we can get to the point where we trust them enough to have peace again in our hearts, but it will never be like it was before. I think that's just human nature. Once the trust is broken it can be repaired, but there will always be a scar there reminding us. Unfortunately, this is a legacy of adultry that most people don't consider when they enter into it. I know this is a difficult burden to bear for my H. He never thought about what it would feel like to not be trusted. He likens it to being in prison - a prison of his own making he readily admits.

We talked a little while back about jealousy. I think this feeling is the first cousin to mistrust. You say you feel jealous about other women you H comes in contact with at the club, etc. That's borne out of mistrust. I've coveted my lack of jealosy all these years. It's wonderful to not feel jealous. It's wonderful to trust someone so completely that you don't feel jealousy. I think my H equated lack of jealousy with lack of love and caring. In the world he grew up in all the women were extremely jealous and it thought it came from deep love. He chose to view my lack of jealousy as not loving him. That was his perception. To him, his lack of any jealous feelings for the OW was one of the reasons he knew he didn't love her. And conversely, his extremely jealous feelings at the thought of me being with someone else made him realize just how much he loved me. Crazy how two people can view the same emotion in such different ways.

You think maybe you haven't forgiven your H as much as you thought cuz you have these feelings of mistrust? No, I don't think so. Forgiveness just means you've decided not to hold the "account open" so-to-speak, or hold the A over your H's head in the future. You've decided to let go of the anger and resentment in order to build a happy future with H. It doesn't mean that the hurt will magically go away or that you will completely and totally trust him again.

I'll be thinking about you around the 14th -- keep you in my prayers. And, of course, please drop by here and discuss anything you need to. The best thing is that you know in your heart your H will never hurt you like that again. Just keep focusing on that while he's gone (and make sure you can contact him at any time day or night .

I've got my own D-day coming up on the 10th. Last year on that date H was out of town and OW was planning to spend the night in his hotel room. He called me rather early in the evening to say good night cuz he was going to "get to bed early", had a long day the next day. (uh-oh, I'm feeling my blood pressure rising ) I called him back later in the evening just to say ILY, miss you, thinking about you, etc. (I rarely called him when he was away cuz when he called me it was on the company). Come to find out much later that the OW was there with him. She went into the other room and closed the door while he was talking to me, but I'll be she was listening at the door, cuz when he hung up and went into the other room she was getting ready to leave, said, "I can't do this anymore. I'm leaving." H said, "Fine, I think that's for the best." Told me she got really mad then cuz she expected him to beg her to stay. Told him, "I heard you tell your W you love her." Him, "Yeah, I've never said I didn't love her. I thought she didn't love me." To wit she replied, "Then what are you doing here with me." Him, "I really don't know, but I do know I want you to leave now."

Don't know why I feel like I need to go over what was said and done. I guess in a way it makes me feel a little better knowing I won that battle without even knowing I was fighting it.
But just knowing about the date and what happened a year ago makes it hard to get through it, so I know how you'll be feeling on the 14th.

You know, even though I KNOW there is no possible way H would ever go back to the OW, something he said one time kinda stuck with me and might be the reason I would never feel comfortable with him being anywhere near her no matter what. After the above occasion where I called him at hotel, he told her it was over. However, they kept in contact via phone and email -- mostly business, but she would insinuate some personal stuff to try and get him to feel sorry for her. Around the 1st of June last year, H and I went to Las Vegas for the weekend. We had a really great time (hot time). The OW had called him the week before we left and he told her what our plans were. Apparently she got really angry, hurt, etc, said, "So, you're going on a romantic getaway with your W?" H said, "Yes, and I'm really looking forward to it." He said he didn't call her when he got back, and was hoping she wouldn't contact him, but she did. She asked him how the weekend was and he replied "Had a fantastic time." Got her crying apparently .

Towards the end of June he went to Florida for a convention for 5 days. I was supposed to go, but motherly duties kept me home. Well, guess who was there. And, yes, they got together a couple of times . I asked him why? If you knew it was over and wanted it to be over in May, and hadn't been with her since that time, why in the world would you do it again? He told me -- and this is the part that kind of haunts me -- that since he'd already done it with her it didn't matter if he did it again!! See, his thinking was that the A was one thing -- no matter how many times he was with her. He was pretty surprised to find out that I see each time he was with her as a separate betrayal!! So I guess sometimes I let myself think that if he were ever to be in a situation with her again where it would be easy, maybe he would have that same mindset -- "The damage is already done. What harm can one more time be?"

I know that is crazy thinking. Even the first night that H dropped the bomb on me he told me that even if I kicked him out right then and there and filed for D, he'd never go "back there" again. I know just the thought of her makes his sick. He asked me last month to not even mention her name again. He told me he hates her cuz of all the stuff we've found out since then. But there's just that little part of me that wonders, after all, "what harm could one more time be?"

Anyway, just have H keep in contact with you. Tell him you might need a little extra reassurance while he's gone. He'll gladly give it to you. He's just gotta be so darned happy that he married such a terrific woman.

Keep in touch,

Matilda