Me2,

Nice to hear from you again.

That balancing act that you're talking about, I go through that every day, too. I'm getting pretty tired of it. I've decided I'm gonna figure out just who exactly I am, who the real ME is, and then just be me. If H doesn't like it, well, I guess that his problem. However, I think he will like it, cuz I think the REAL me is a much more affectionate and caring person that he's seen in the past.

I agree with you that in some ways it is good that things are different and will never be the same. H is also one of those "I don't know" kinda guys, but he's putting forth a real effort to put his feelings into words nowadays. That's good. I am much move loving and affectionate with H. That's good.

But there is something way deep inside, I'm not even sure I can put it into words, that has changed -- and I know that is not good. Whatever it is, I feel a tremendous sadness to have lost that. Whatever it is, I KNOW it will never come back, and that is sad. I wish I knew how to express what I'm feeling a little better. Maybe if I really contemplated it I could, but right now I'm trying to focus only on the positive.

I also wanted to tell you from your above reply about your experiences of the past that I can really understand now how hard it is for you to get passed your H's betrayal. When people have been through what we've been through it just makes it a 1000 x's harder to learn to forgive and trust again. I think I've finally turned a corner and am well on my way, but I know I will never trust him the way I used to. No matter what he does, how trustworthy he is, I know there will always be a little voice inside saying "be careful." H knows it, too. It kills him to realize that he's put both of us in this position, but he does realize that he did it and he's willing to live with those consequences. Just so very sad, and so very unnecessary.

I hope things are getting better for you. We all desire to live happy, contented lives.

Matilda