Matilda. Just read your post on my thread. Thanks for asking about me. I caught up on your thread last night and today. Sounds like you are doing VERY VERY GOOD these days! You sound like you have made wonderful progress and I am really happy for you!! [Smile] I totally agree with you when you say that your H is responsible for the A. I,at the very beginning wanted to blame myself for H cheating but he was quick to tell me it was not my fault. I do however have to assume some responsibility for the condition of our marriage. People screw up - sometimes they screw up so badly that the marriage can't survive. But I believe in my heart that if your love and your bond is strong,you can with hard work,fix the problems and have a strong and happy relationship. Our H's screwed up BIG TIME but that doesn't mean they love us any less - it shows us that they are human and they can mess up but it also shows us that some men can change and are capable of doing what ever it takes to make things better. I know there are men out there who cannot remain faithful,they continue to cheat. These men should have never married to start with. I don't believe they just made a "mistake" -but they are in a far different catagory than our H's I am happy to say! Anyway,it sounds like you are really making great strides in the right direction! You have come a long way and I think you are an amazing lady!!!!
Now,you asked about me..... things are still going wonderfully well!! We are happy and still acting like "newly weds" at times [Wink] !! We haven't had another talk since that last one I told you about but I really haven't needed to. Every so often the thought of the XOW comes to mind and every so often I do think about what happened but the tears don't come any more I am happy to say. It comes to mind,I acknowledge that it happened and I tell myself it has been over for a long time and things are so good now that it no longer has the power to cause me pain. I find that it doesn't cause the pain like it used to. I had a brief "down" moment last week end but I quickly talked myself into a happy frame of mind. What happened was..... our kids gave us tickets to go to Tunica to see the Righteous Brothers (they sing "our song" and we have always loved their music). We decided to spend the night at the casino's hotel. When we got there and entered our room all of a sudden I got this memory of him spending a week end with that B in a casino hotel in Biloxi. I really can't explain why it came to me - all I know is for some reason that triggered the memory of the A. It could be that even though we have stayed in hotels since the A,we had never stayed in a casino hotel and the time he stayed in that casino with her was the only time he took her to a hotel. Who can really explain how the mind works! My H noticed that I had gotten a little quiet and asked me if I was feeling ok. It hit me that I was being stupid to allow thoughts of that B to interfere with my time with my H! I told my self that we were there to have a good time together and enjoy ourselves and thinking about an old hurt was just going to bring us both down and spoil eveything. I just hugged my H real tight and told him that I loved him and that i was so happy that we had the chance to get away together. He hugged me back and told me that he had really been looking forward to getting away with me again! I immediately blocked out the image of the B and the image of them being together. We had some FUN in the room [Wink] and then showered and went out for a nice dinner! The show was fantastic and when they sang "our song",my H put his arm around me and pulled me closer to him and when I looked up at him,the look he gave me showed me that he loved me and was happy to be with me (if we'd been alone I would have jumped his bones right then and there [Big Grin] !!)!! I am really trying hard to NOT think about the up coming golf trip close to where the B lives. I have managed so far to not think but it is getting closer (he leaves the 14th of this month). I feel in my heart that I can trust him and I believe him when he says he has no reason to even go into the town where she lives and hangs out. He has promised me that he wouldn't even be tempted to go to that club where he met her. Last year when he went they stayed in the same place they did the year he met her. Some of the guys wanted to go to the club but he told them he didn't want to and swears he didn't. I have talked to some of the guys I know and they told me that my H either stayed in the room and played cards with some other guys or he went to the casino where they were staying and gambled some. He told me last year that he knew how badly he had hurt me and there was no way he was going to do anything to hurt me again or jepordize the progress we had made. I know he will do what he tells me. I just hate the thought of him being anywhere near where the B lives. What is wrong with me? It is better than last year. Last year I was sick to my stomach thinking about his being where he was and I was struggling to try and trust him. This year I know in my heart that I can trust him but the closer it gets to the time he'll be leaving,the more "down" I seem to be getting! Am I nuts or what? I really don't want to have to bring this up with my H. I did bring it up during our last talk. He told me that he can't take that feeling away. He can reassure me that he loves me,he can reassure me that he will not go anywhere she might me, and he can reassure me that he can be trusted but I have to decide if I believe in him or not. I have to either let these feelings bring me down or I have to trust and believe in him with all my heart and my mind. I guess it sound stupid but my heart is telling me to trust and my mind is trying to raise doubts [Eek!] !! Any advice as to how to stop this battle in my head? Maybe I don't trust him as much as I think I do -is that possible? I know that I am happy and I know that I have not regretted once that I forgave my H!! I know things are better and I know that I am feeling better about things. When I was with him on trips there it didn't bother me so this has made me think I'm crazy!! Well,I have written a book [Razz] so I'll stop now. If you can tell me anything to help stop thses nutty thoughts I am all ears!!
pfroglady