I've been going through all the last week or so worth of posting to this message as well as Andy and Pfrog and Tressa and Ultreya....and a few others.....since I don't have time to reply to all (sorry guys!) I just want to say this as a 'shotgun blast' to everyone....
It sure is a tough balancing act isn't it?
One of the BIG reasons my H and A was he said that he felt like I didn't need him.
This really confuses me....I am not sure how he can believe this when he said to C once in a session that all I ever said to him for the first part of that year he was gone was tell him how tough it was here for me and how I was so alone and so busy and so tired and so busy with the kids and the dogs and the new job and the new unpacked house and...blah blah blah....I admit I was pretty rough on him from Sep to Dec, but I also remember telling him how much I needed him, how much I loved him and would "wait forever" for him because he was "worth the wait". I guess he forgot those things....it's also confusing to me because I don't remember my 'complaining' being all that bad in the beginning-and he started A less than 60 days gone. Go figure. I think he left the marriage a LONG time before he left for the tour.
So how does this equate to him thinking I didn't need him? No idea.....and I have come to the realization that I never will know.
I feel that I was too needy, that I was too open and 'sharing' with him on an emotional level. He felt I didn't need him (again, I totally do not understand this), which led to him thinking I did not want him, which led to him thinking I wanted "someone else" (a fantasy he made up in his own mind to justify is own A).....He also told me he figured I was cheating on him....so he cheated on me.
So then (later-into the recon phase) I went dark. So did he, even more so than usual-let's just say he's not a very communicative guy. (he's the one with the favorite phrase of "I don't know")
Darkness didn't work. It made it worse. I sometimes still fall into this trap of being too dark-apparently he does not like the 'mystery L' I had become. Every time I would not express my opinion, every time I would hold my tongue, every time I didn't have anything to say-he always responded negatively (verbally) - to him it was like I didn't care.
Gray seems to be a better way. (hey, it rhymes!)
I still have not perfected it. I still slip. Most days I still don't have a ____ clue as to what or who I am gonna be that day....quiet reserved L, happy gray sort of wishy washy L, or opinionated and occasionally boisterous L....
It is such a delicate balancing act.
Wasn't there something about PERCEPTIONS or something.....??? In some other post??? Just the other day I thought he was being distant. I asked him everything was OK and if there was something on his mind. He said NO. I asked if I were imagining it that he was distant and closed off to me-or what....he said there was nothing wrong with him. I let it drop. He didn't expect me to. For once, I was able to keep my big yap shut when I should have. (ok, so maybe it's actually happened 2-3 times).
And now I seem to be rambling...I did have a point tho...which brings me back to the balancing act. How to be who....I think it can't be all one way or the other, perhaps I (we) need to learn when to be who? I expect this is to be tempered or even decided by how out PMA is as well...huh....
L p.s. Matty-I too often wonder who this man I call my H really is, and no, I do not love him the same way I used to either. It is sad but at the same time OK because that other way was WAY WAY to naively...almost like I built him into some perfect man and that's not fair to him, so in that respect, it's good that I don't love him like that anymore....does this make sense? It never will be the same...but again, is that such a bad thing?
