I see your point about H's strength. I guess I was considering him to be weak because he gave into the temptations of the A and the OW. I was considering myself strong because I've never given into those temptations. I am realizing more and more how much strength it really takes for him to stay and "face the music." And I told him that last night. By the way, yesterday was the 7th month anniversary when the bomb dropped. Also one year ago on the same date we had an OR conversation which was very disturbing to me at the time cuz I had no idea what was happening at that time. I didn't mention any of this to H. Actually, I didn't dwell much on it myself!
Last night H asked what happened with the MC. I reported, "Not much, really." Told H that MC and I talked about some of the conversations H and I had over the past week. Told H that I am really getting how much fortitude and how much love and caring it takes for him to stay and take all that I've dished out. If he didn't care so much he would've been a WAH, could've said month ago, "Screw this. I said I'm sorry, what do you want from me?" I told him I was very glad he was here working through this together. He told me, "Thanks for sticking with me -- for now." I just kinda laughed and gave him a hug. Later I thought maybe the "for now" part was added on cuz he needed some reassurance from me, but I missed it at the moment.
Anyway, told H that he was invited back to MC next week. He seemed happy to hear that. Now, mind you, H hates going to MC. He does it for me, for us. But when I told him he was to be included next week, he smiled and said, "Great." I think he's been afraid that if MC felt we needed 1 on 1 time that it didn't bode well for the survival of the M. He knows now we'll just be concentrating on getting OR back on track with the MC.
So our conversation last night was very short. And then I DROPPED IT! I'm so proud of myself. I'm sure H was surprised - pleasantly. He expects that anytime any of this stuff is brought up it'll turn into a long drawn out affair (yikes, gotta watch my verbage!) and he'll end up with chest pains and an upset stomach. Not last night. Yeah, for me.
I feel like I've turned a corner. I don't think about the past constantly now (still a little more than I'd like), and I'm able to dump the trash easier now than before. I'm also a lot happier just within myself. I really like what you wrote to your W, Andy. That's the way I'm feeling right now -- and it's empowering. I hope is to go through the rest of my life with H by my side, but I can and will survive and be happy if that is not to be.
I've grown a lot through all of this mess. I've come to understand that what H did he did not do TO me. He made mistakes and bad choices which have consequences that he has to live with for the rest of his life. He did that TO himself. Unfortunately, I also have to live with the consequences of his actions. And as difficult as that is to come to terms with, at least I can say that I'm only the receipient of his actions. For him, he has to come to terms with the fact that he's not only the receipient of his own actions, but he has caused someone he loves great pain. To me, that's twice as bad. I finally understand why he continues to insist he'd rather be me -- he wishes he was in my shoes. To feel like such an utter failure not only to yourself, but to the very person you wanted so much to be successful for must be very difficult to live with, indeed.
Thanks for listening. For me to write these things down helps to open my heart for compassion for my H.
